diatu | You've got a piece of me (Closed)

So many questions, and she was almost certain that she didn't want the answer to most of them. But she was pretty sure someone was lying somewhere... because... jealousy was a feeling, wasn't it? She wasn't sure. But she thought it was from the way Axel said it. Maybe she misunderstood? That... That had to be it because...

How could someone feel something without a heart? They were constantly reminded of that. The three of them even joked about it sometimes. The ghosts of remembered emotions. Not that she had even memories of her own.

Another part of her brain was trying to process Isa vs Saïx, putting that up against Axel being called Lea now, and Sora and Roxas. She pushed aside for later the thought of the fact that there were no names that she had ever heard of that used just Ion...

But among all the other questions she didn't want to ask - because she was sure he would answer - one shoved its way past the others, and she couldn't stop it from escaping her lips. "Friendships can... break....?"

She regretted saying the words even as they came out. Because she didn't want to hear the answer.

Lea waited quietly, while Xion processed what he'd told her. It was undoubtedly a lot to take in, so he didn't want to rush her. When she finally did speak, though the question wasn't one that he'd expected.

He considered how to answer for a moment. "Yeah," he finally said. "Like any other kind of relationship, they take some effort. If one or both of the people involved stop trying, or actively work against the friendship- by lying, betrayal, or in the case of Siax treating others cruelly-, friendships can be harmed or even break down completely."

"But the good news is, that even if that happens, they can still be repaired. It can take time and effort, and probably some sincere apologies, but friendships are pretty resilient things. They can heal from most anything."

"...Apologies....?" she asked. Mostly to stop herself from asking what she almost had...

Because if he and Saïx were friends again....

What did that mean about him.... and her? And Roxas?

Lea nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I don't know how long you were listening, so you might have missed it, but Isa apologized for all the crap he did as Siax. And after I'd told him he had a heck of a lot to apologize for, both to me and to you and Roxas, I accepted. He'd like to apologize to you and eventually to Roxas too, and to try to make things up to you, but... I understand completely if you're not ready to hear or accept it, and so does he."

Lea honestly wouldn't blame her if she was never ready. But he hoped she would one day be.

"What does that even mean...?" Apologize? Apologies? What was she supposed to accept? None of this made sense. And all she knew was that everything hurt.

Lea looked confused at that question. His answer had sounded pretty straightforward to him. He tried to clarify regardless though. "It means he's sorry," he said. "It means that he hates all the cruel and icky things he did as Siax and wants to try to make up for them, to all of us. You, me, and Roxas, and probably Sora and the others too. He wants to try and be a better person, so hopefully we can forgive him for the things he did someday."

"But he and I both understand if you can't do that," he said. "At least not yet. Heck I'd understand if you were never able to forgive him completely, and he probably would too. Given how he treated you, that'd be a heck of a lot to forgive. And you have every right to be ticked off at him or to hate his guts."

"He's.... sorry....?" the words just made no sense. "He just... he just says that he hates what he did and you believe him?" She shook her head. "He threatened to turn me into a dusk if I didn't perform! He wanted me and Roxas dead! Constantly!" She shook her head, but mostly... she just shook. "What makes you think he isn't lying!"

Lea flinched. Her reaction was entirely understandable, but it still stung. "If he'd just said it, and nothing else about him had changed, you're right; I wouldn't believe him," he said. "But he's not acting like Siax was anymore either. Not even like Siax was before you and Roxas came along. He's Isa again, just like I'm Lea again. Just like Ienzo and the others are back to being their old selves again."

"And just like the rest of us, he feels terrible about all the horrible crap he did as part of the Organization, and wants to do whatever he can to make up for it," he said. "And he especially wants to make up for how he treated you and Roxas, since he hurt you more than anyone. And if I thought for a minute that he didn't plan on trying to make things right with you and Roxas, I'd clobber him one."

"And his eyes aren't gold any more," Lea added. "Remember how Siax, Xigbar, and Xemnas all had gold eyes? That was because they had a piece of Xehanort inside them, influencing them. Making them lean more towards the dark. Isa's eyes are back to their old color, back to the way they were when we were kids."

He took a deep breath to steady himself, and exhaled. "I know you don't have any reason to believe me here," he said, "but Isa... he wasn't a bad guy. None of us were. He and I were just a couple of dumb kids who tried to help a friend, wound up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and lost our hearts. Doesn't excuse anything he did after that, any more than it excuses anything I did, but... we've got a second chance now. I can't just... not even let him try, you know?"

"I can't just throw our old friendship away, any more than I could throw my friendships with you or Roxas away. You're all my friends and you're all important to me. I can't..." His breath caught, and he shook his head. "I can't just... pick one of you over the other. Anymore than I could choose between you or Roxas towards the end before. I can't." His next words were quiet. "You all mean too much to me."

"But you're exactly the same," she protested, trying to find something, anything that she could actually say. As Axel, as Lea... he was the same, wasn't he?

But if he had had Xemnas actually inside him... would that be enough to make a real difference? She... didn't know. She was still sure this was all some giant trap. Somehow. But if Xigbr had been too... He... hadn't been terrible to her. Not really. Not like Saïx and Xemnas...

Was Axel going to be friends with Xemnas if he showed up as a Somebody too?

The rest of wht Axel said... she was trying to figure out how to reply to. Desperately. The words kept repeating over and over in her mind. Running into one another. He said that if Saïx was going to go after her and Roxas again, he'd clobber him. But he also said that he couldn't choose between her and Saïx any more than he could choose between her and Roxas. Those... two things didn't line up. Didn't work together. But... she didn't think he was lying. She thought he probably meant both things. But... what would happen when they came into conflict? The next time Saïx went after her? The next time he threatened her? Or would Saïx only do that when Axel wasn't around? To keep deceiving him? What would happen then? If she told Axel.... would he even believe her? If Saïx attacked her outright... would Axel get hurt, trying to get between them?

She closed her eyes. Whatever else happened... she couldn't let that happen. Whatever Saïx did to her... she couldn't ever let Axel find out. She might not be good for much... but she could do that, at least. She could protect Axel from getting caught in the middle of a battle.... couldn't she?

But... what would she do if he asked Saïx to join them fore ice cream...? No, she knew what she would do. She'd spent sunsets in her room before. She could do it again. But he wasn't getting Roxas' bed. She'd stand firm on that. And otherwise... she would do her best to just... avoid Saïx. She... could do that... right? It wasn't like she had a heart with which to care about classes. So she... could just skip those. She had done that most of the time before Axel showed up anyway. She just... had to figure out where Saïx was likely to be... and be anywhere else at all.

For Axel... she had to at least try. Even.... Even of that meant she got to spend less time with him. Would he want to spend all his free time with Saïx? Or would there maybe still be... at least a little.... time for her?

"Actually, I'm not," Lea said with a sigh. "In the Organization, you really only saw the best parts of me, just like you really only saw the worst parts of Siax. You didn't see me incinerate Vexen while he begged for mercy, or watch me manipulate everyone around me at Castle Oblivion to get what I wanted. I could be as vicious and cruel as anyone in the Organization. But since most of the time we spent together was relaxing and eating ice cream, you only ever saw the parts of me that were the closest to who I used to be. Not the dark parts of me that the Organization brought out."

"I hate those parts of me now," he said. "The parts that didn't think anything about doing icky jobs for Xemnas. Just like Isa, Ienzo, and the others all hate what the Organization turned them into. It's why we're all trying to make things up to the people we hurt, if we can."

Axel was him... and he wasn't. Honestly, Lea didn't entirely understand it himself sometimes. But one thing he did understand was how much he had to make up for. And how important his friends were to him. And he'd never let any of them doubt it ever again.

"Xion... you and Roxas are two of my best friends," he said, moving in front of her and getting down on one knee before placing his hands on both her shoulders. "You helped me find my heart again, and helped me figure out what really mattered to me. You two are the reason I became a Keyblade wielder. No matter how many friends either of us makes, you'll always be special to me." He gently brushed a lock of Xion's hair back from her face. "Got it memorized?"

No. No.

she knew Axel. She knew how far he'd go to protect them, but listening to anyone speak badly of him... even him.. something inside her railed against that. refused to believe it.

But he would lie to protect her and Roxas... would he lie... to protect Saïx?

The thought that he might have already said similar to her came and went in less than a second. It wasn't something that was going to stick with her. Not any time soon. Axel was Axel. Even if he was Lea. He did what he had to for his friends, but anything he did wrong beyond that was because he had been fooled, same as her and Roxas. If he was to blame for all of that, then what about her and all the hearts she collected for the Organization? But.. waking Sora... that had been what she was supposed to do to fix that, right? Was she supposed to do more? Was ceasing to exist not enough now that she existed again? But short of stopping people like Saïx and Xemnas what could someone like her ever do to make things better?

But Axel? Axel had nothing to make up for. He just didn't. He couldn't.

She shoved all that aside mentally when he knelt before her. And the words he spoke were like hammers.

Two of his best friends.

Not his two best friends.

Two OF.

That meant that... Saïx was a best friend too? After everything?

All her worries about Roxas being replaced.... were both of them being replaced? With... with him?

Her head dropped, eyes closing.

Lea frowned slightly, confused. That... hadn't been the reaction he'd been expecting. Not that he'd been entirely sure what reaction he'd been expecting, but her just kind of... wilting like that wasn't it. What had he said wrong now?

It didn't look like she was going to give him any hints on her own, so it looked like he'd have to go for the direct approach. "Xion," he said. "If you have anything you want to say, or anything you want to ask me, I want you to do it. Even if you think it's stupid or that it might make me mad. So much crap has happened because we misunderstood things, or kept things from each other before. With this? I want to be absolutely sure that we're both on the same page. Alright?"

What could she even say? Where could she even begin? There was too much. All of it was just... too much. It was as if every word she ever learned wanted to come tumbling out of her mouth at the same time... and yet... none of them did. It made no sense. And she hurt and she didn't understand it. She wanted to run away, run to the beach and just keep running until she couldn't move any more. But she also didn't want to pull away, in case this was the last time she ever saw him.

She knew it was foolish, but at the same time she felt like it really could happen. If she didn't say something... would he just leave and go spend all his time with Saïx? Or would he stay until she spoke, and speaking would let him leave? Did he want to leave?

She didn't even know what she was thinking anymore. Nothing made sense, even in her own mind, because everything she wanted was in conflict with everything else she wanted.

She was shaking badly under his hands, and felt like she was going to rip apart. He wanted her to ask if she had questions and she had so many questions. Most of them though... she didn't want to hear him answer. Because she thought she might know what that answer would be.

But one question finally escaped, and she regretted it the moment it did.

"Why does it hurt?" she whispered.

Her face was wet. And she hurt. And she was shaking. Her knees gave out from under her, leaving him as the only chance she had of staying upright....

Lea hadn't been gripping her shoulders that tightly, so he wasn't entirely prepared when Xion's knees buckled. But he did have just enough time to catch her more properly and let her lean against him so that he could hold her as she cried. He knelt down on the ground fully, settling them both as comfortably as he could, and wrapping her in a gentle hug. They might be there awhile.

"It hurts because you're scared and upset," he said gently. "Sometimes hearts hurt like that when you have too many emotions and thoughts that you don't know what to do with. But those tears you're crying? They'll help. I know."

"I used to cry a lot when I was younger," he said after a moment. "That's actually what the marks under my eyes were about; upside down teardrops. They... were actually Isa's idea. He said they'd help me be brave and not cry so much."

"But you're upset, so you go ahead and cry as much as you need to. I've got you, and I won't leave you." He hugged her a little tighter. "You're one of my best friends, and always will be. Anytime you need me, I'll be there, just like I'm here now; all you need to do is let me know. And that's a promise."

The whole... her having a heart thing was still... a lot. She wasn't sure what she believed about that, really. That she could even have emotions. But too many thoughts to know what to do with? Yeah. She had that at the moment. Why did anyone want a heart, want emotions though, if they hurt like this? If they made people cry and hurt and suffer? Wasn't it easier... without?

She found her hands closing around his coat, clutching. "O...one of..." she whispered, voce rough, throat tight. And she winced and withdrew into herself as soon as she said it. She knew she shouldn't have said that, had worked so hard to not say it.

Because without the bad, you couldn't have the good. Without the pain, you couldn't have the joy. And having experienced the alternative, if asked, Lea would definitely say it was worth it.

For now though, all that mattered was Xion. Holding and supporting her while she cried and helping her understand. He caught her whispered words and the way she winced and shrank further into herself after she'd said them. "One of...?", he repeated, confused at first, puzzling over what it might mean. One of his best friends maybe? That had to be it. But he'd said that before, and it was as true as it ever was; he thought he'd been clear about that. So why...?

Then it hit him. "Xion, are you worried that I'm going to replace you or Roxas with Isa now that he's back?", he asked, disbelieving somewhat. "Xion, I could never replace you, or Roxas, not with anyone. Yeah, Isa's one of my best friends too, but a person can have as many friends, even as many best friends as they want. Just because a new one- or in this case, an old one- is added, it doesn't mean that one of the others has to be taken away. That'd be crazy."

"You're all special to me, like I said. I care about all of you, and I want all of you to be a part of my life. If you don't want Isa to be a part of yours, that's fine; I completely understand and so will he. I can find other things to do with him. But I'll never not try and make time for ice cream with you, and Roxas when and if he turns up. I love having ice cream with you, watching the sunset and just sitting and talking about stupid stuff. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. And I'll share it with you for as long as you let me."

She nodded the smallest bit at his question. Still shaking all over.

She listened to what he said, clinging to his coat, burying her face in it as she spoke. She had thought that best was something exclusive, special, different. Now she wasn't sure what seperated a best friend from a friend. But... she had Roxas and Axel... why would he say that like she might want other friends? Why did he want other friends? Weren't they enough? Was there something more she should be doing?

But when he said that Isa wouldn't be part of sunsets and ice cream.... that... helped some. Eased some of the pain and tightness. She wasn't sure why, but it did. That was their time. For the three of them. Having Webby with them... just the thought of it itched at her. And Webby had never threatened her or tried to kill her or Roxas.

But there was that 'one of' again. Sunsets with them were pretty much the only thing she had ever looked forward to, back in the Organization. And here... that and the beach were the only things she really WANTED to do that she did. But he kept saying 'one of'. And he never said that before Saïx arrived here. Not that she could remember.

It had never been necessary to say it quite that way before, since he was usually addressing both Xion and Roxas when he mentioned it. That, and he hadn't really had any other friends in the Organization, so there hadn't been a need to specify.

Right now, he was just relieved that she seemed to be settling at least a little. There was clearly still a lot bothering her though. "I can tell you've still got a lot on your mind," he said gently. "A lot of questions you probably want to ask. But you're gonna have to at least give me a hint as to what they are. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a mind reader. I wanna help you however I can, but I can't do that unless you let me know what you need."

He rubbed her back gently. "But until you're ready to talk, we can just sit here like this. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here."

The problem was that she still didn't know what to say or how to say it. She didn't trust Saïx, and was sure he was lying to Axel, but thought that saying as much would only hurt Axel if she didn't have proof. And even if she had proof... she couldn't hurt him like that. Axel worked so hard to protect her and Roxas.... she had to protect him now. Somehow. She just... didn't know how to do that.

If she just avoided Saïx maybe his frustration at not being able to get to her would show through, and Axel would realize the lie on his own. Would that hurt less...? She... wasn't sure. But she didn't think that was something she could ask him. Not at all.

She didn't know how to ask any of the questions that she had without hurting Axel, and that was the problem. And she had no one else to ask. Even if Roxas were here, she couldn't ask him...because he'd just turn around and ask Axel. And then they would be in the same hole as if she asked him herself. So... most of these questions... she had no one to ask.

Was this like when Riku told her to do the right thing, and she couldn't ask Axel or Roxas what the right thing to do was?

Was... the answer the same again this time? That she needed to be forgotten and vanish? She didn't think so. Or... was it that she didn't think so because she didn't want that to be the answer so she convinced herself it wasn't? She didn't want it to be the right answer when Riku asked her that, but clearly it had been. Because Sora woke up and Axel was okay and they were going to save Roxas. So was it the right answer now? Another question... that she couldn't ask Axel.

If Riku were here... she could ask him. He had a heart and understood all of this stuff, but he wouldn't be hurt by her questions and wouldn't repeat them to Axel. So Axel wouldn't have to be hurt by them at all.

But he was waiting for her to ask something. And she wasn't sure what she could ask him that wouldn't hurt him. She had to protect Axel, because when Saïx's lie was exposed it would hurt him a lot. She couldn't hurt him too. Not again. Not after how much she hurt him trying to do the right thing before.

But... that had never been their relationship. He had always protected her and Roxas. He had always been the one putting himself out there to keep them safe. Even from themselves. It was something Roxas didn't seem to understand. That sometimes Axel had to hurt them to protect them. But.... could she do that here? With Saïx? Could she be strong enough that if she found proof of his lies to bring it to him?

"How... how do I protect you?" she found herself whispering. it didn't even occour to her that he might be confused by her train of thought, or she wouldn't have said that... since she had already decided not to share any of the thinking that led up to that.

Of course, her face was still buried against his uniform and coat, so it was possible he didn't hear her atg all. Which was probably for the best.

Lea sat quietly, holding Xion and rubbing her back soothingly. He wondered what all could be going through her head? A few things he could guess, but most of it? He didn't have a clue. Not that that was any different than usual; Xion was one of his best friends, but he as discovering more and more how little he understood about her. And how little she understood about the world. Maybe he should try and see if he could do something about that; explaining everything on the fly just wasn't practical.

The moment of relative quiet also let him look at where they'd ended up. It looked like they were in back of one of the smaller buildings, next to what looked like some sort of storage shed; probably where the gardeners kept their equipment or something. Either way, with most of the school at lunch or heading there, there was no one around, for which Lea was grateful. This was difficult enough without having to worry about gaining an audience.

He almost missed it when she spoke again, her words quiet and muffled, but he managed to make them out, if only just. "Huh?", he said. "Protect me from what? Honestly, with no Heartless or creepy old guys bent on world domination around, you and I are both probably safer here than we've been in a long time, magical mishaps notwithstanding."

"Though if it comes down to it, I guess...", he trailed off slightly, thinking. "I guess, just be there for me. Like I'll be there for you and Roxas if you ever need me. Really that's all you've ever needed to do, in the end. I don't need big grand gestures or anything like that. Just... keep being my best friend, and the rest'll kinda come naturally."

Protect him from Saïx. And from herself. Not that she could say that without hurting him. Which, of course, was the whole problem, wasn't it?

But when he said be there for him...? Did that mean that if she stayed around him all the time, that would somehow protect him? That she should never leave his side to go off on her own for anything?

Except that sometimes he went off on his own too. But... was it that Saïx being here changed things? Was... this his way of saying that if she stayed with him all the time that somehow.. Saïx would just... leave him alone? Was that what he wanted. She looked up at him, so confused.

And she was looking up at him in confusion again, obviously not having understood what he meant. How to clarify it though? He thought hard about it for a moment before responding.

"OK how do I explain this...?", he said. "Look... I'm one of your best friends right? And if you ever found out that I needed help or even just someone to talk to, you'd be ready and willing to lend a hand, just like I'd do for you or Roxas, right?" He paused here, to show that he expected her to answer, even though he already knew what the responses would likely be.

"Of.... of course...." she said softly, confused. That part made sense. But had he meant he wanted her to act as some sort of odd Saïx repellant? IF that would actually work, she would be willing to of course... but she couldn't see any way that wouldn't end in Axel being hurt, possibly with her badly injured first....

"Then that's all I need you to do," Lea said, smiling slightly. "I don't need you to sacrifice anything or do anything big or elaborate, like say, following me around everywhere like Eleven's big friend does. I just need you to keep being my best friend. If I ever need your help, I know you'll be there. 'Cause that's what friends do. Understand?"

She hesitated then gave a small nod. Okay... that.. she could understand. She'd... just have to figure out the rest... on her own... somehow.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject