diatu | So It's Come To This: An NPC Intervention

So It's Come To This: An NPC Intervention

Who: Vaarsuvius and Headmaster Camillah Birony
What: It is time for a heart-to-heart.
Where: ?????
When: ?????
Warnings: ?????

One rant can be forgiven. Two, less so. And a threat of existential crisis, not at all.

The space they inhabit is much like the Headmaster's office as one might envision it, an image seen in the mind and intermixed with the blackness behind sightless eyes. The only truly clear figure in it is Headmaster Birony, who sits with her feet up on her image of a desk, hands folded behind her head as she leans back in her supremely comfortable chair.

"All right, Vaarsuvius," she says, quite pleasantly, as she motions for the elf to take a seat in a chair that hadn't been there moments before. "You think you're better than us, fine. You think you have all the answers, okay. You somehow feel you have the moral high ground to scream at the people who are trying to help you and protect others, whatever. And you're endangering all of us and apparently attempting to sign your soul over to an enemy of humanity? I gotta draw the line there. So let's talk."

She thumps one heel on her desk. A poster on the front promptly unrolls; it reads "YOU'RE SCREWING UP BADLY. CHANGE MY MIND."

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"For what it is worth, I am willing to concede that your CON and CHA scores are probably higher than mine," V said sitting. "It is not that I think that I am better than the rest of you in all matters, I am however exceedingly sand increasingly frustrated by the seeming lack of INT and WIS displayed. I by no means feel as though I have all the answers, had I there would be no need for research and study. I resent, however, being treated as though I were any average student here under three decades in age and lacking in Wisdom. I myself am part of a party attempting to protect others, all of reality in fact, including this very plane of existence. As for the selling of my soul this is the first mention of any such thing that has occurred since my arrival here. I have no intention to sell my soul or any timeshare usage thereof while I am here." Or ever again. "That was not the deal offered, and as time is not as limited at this point as it might otherwise be, I have the luxury of asking questions and making an informed decision."

"Furthermore, your racial centric argument is more than a little tiresome. I have long since become weary of humans who think that the word humanity can be used to encompass all sentient bipedal beings with class or NPC levels. This simply is not the case. Were I interested in endangering all of humanity, and I am not, that would not actually affect me or endanger me as I am very clearly not human, but Elven."

"You are a lot less yelly when you're dealing with me and not other people." The Headmaster smiles in a way that despite being bright and pure also says she really isn't impressed by that.

"So let's take two points. First, 'selling your soul' is metaphorical. Crossing a line that can't be uncrossed, you know? And I used humanity very purposely! Because I don't know if you totally screwing up ancient magic would actually hurt you or any of the Sundered. But we humans of the Tenscore Kingdoms will choke on it like Professor Loshakle's 'Banana Breadturgy.' By the way, never eat Professor Loshakle' 'Banana Breadturgy', word to the wise. So you see, our big problem isn't that you're specifically out to hurt us. It's that you don't care who you hurt to accomplish your goals, Captain Blow-Up-A-Harmless-Man-Over-a-Spork-Ownership-Dispute."

"It is easier to be heard in a one on one discussion in a small room. I assure you I will shout if I feel shouting warranted. Apparently taking CON as a dump stat has done nothing to affect the state of my lungs. Given I have been offered the chance to sell timeshare on my soul in a less metaphorical way previously, I could hardly have known that you meant it figuratively, which does go back to a previous conversation about how communication needs to be used more precisely among those who share little common history. What was asked of me was, if i understand correctly, my observational skills, no more. I intend to ensure that is all that was meant and not the literal claiming of my eyes and ears before I would ever accede to any such deal. And again. I am attempting to gain and regain abilities that will help me protect all of reality, INCLUDING the Tenscore Kingdom!"

V's head shook with disgust. "And if this really is all about the stupid Explosive Runes spell. I think you all need to spend a long rest researching running gags. Besides, I used a weakened version of the spell. A simple health potion was all that was required to restore lost HP. I would not use the full version of the spell on anyone without class levels. I am Neutral, not Evil."

Leaning back in her seat, staring at the ceiling with that same smile, Headmaster Birony sticks a finger up in the air. "Your callous dismissal of wounding others for your own entertainment is noted! Now, point of order -- you are attempting to gain and regain abilities you believe will help all of reality. And you are not listening when we tell you you're wrong. You're also trying to justify helping a creature that wants to enslave humanity, which is also pretty not good? You're really not looking like you're making terrific decisions here, is -- is that coming through? Because I'm trying to make it come through."

Oh for crying out loud. It is a stupid prank spell!

"When? When have you, any of you, told me even once, that regaining my higher level spells would in any way shape or form fail to aid me in my quest? Following that, when have any of you provided any such proof, or given me any reason at all the believe you had you even bothered to say such a thing? As to the creature wanting to enslave humanity, this is AGAIN the first I am hearing of this! If you wish someone to work with you, you need to provide proper plot exposition. If you simply monologue these things at the fourth wall you cannot with any reasonable measure of intelligence expect me to know any of this before the kickstarter for the print editions! At this point I would even take crayon drawings if that is what is required. But do not simply tell me that I am wrong and expect me to smile and nod and take you at your word that your.. what... five decades of experience, at the most, completely eclipses the centuries I have spent in study of the arcane arts! And if this Dragon is such an evil scourge, why have you not informed all the students to be wary, as well as all the faculty? Why has there been no one putting together an adventuring party to slay the beast? Those are things one would do if one wanted to STOP AN EVIL DRAGON FROM MAKING DEALS WITH PEOPLE!"

Weirdly delighted, Headmaster Birony claps her hands together. "There's the shouting! I'm impressed! The correlation between volume and dumb is practically a perfect line. Now then. First."

A snap of her fingers, and a number 1 appears in midair. "You lost your powers and they were replaced by dangerous magical energy that threaten to kill you. Logical connection. We took you in to teach you magic instead of get your powers back. Logical connection. And you're chasing old powers instead of focusing on learning the new ones, despite knowing that a failure to learn them is going to kill you. At some point you gotta think for yourself, big guy."

One finger underlines the words LOGIC, DUH next to the number, then adds a 2 below it. Then Headmaster Birony smiles sweetly at him.

"You just called me twice my age. You are on my list forever."

2. CALLING HEADMASTER OLD = BAD.

"Three! Your centuries of study of your magic are not only worthless here, they are actually sabotaging you. Your screaming arrogance is in willful denial of the simple plain truth that magic does not work like that here. You literally know less than nothing because you're so stuck in your ways you can't deal with our ways."

3. YOU DON'T KNOW JACK

"And we didn't know the dragon was offering deals. That's new. Thank you for bringing that to our attention!" Hands clasped before her, she smiles so sweetly it's tempting to forget she's.... she's Headmaster Birony. Which she is. "And we haven't rounded up people to kill it because it's already dead. And shouldn't be able to reach you to make a deal."

4. DRAGONS BAD.
4A. DEAD DRAGONS WORSE.
4B. IT'S A GHOST DRAGON, WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER MAKING A DEAL?!
4C. SERIOUSLY WHAT ABOUT THAT SEEMS SMART?

"Now then! I hope you're taking notes, this will be on the test."

"Dumb?! You are aware that dumb means the inability to speak, so being loud and being dumb is ridiculous to begin with! Besides which I have perhaps the highest INT modifier of anyone in this scrap of a plane! But why does it have to be OR? That is small thinking and ludicrous! I have been studying BOTH. Also as a medium creature, I hardly think big guy is an appropriate epithet."

V's head shook as V began to pace. "Why do you think it is an insult to be called older? If anything it is horrifying to me that someone so young could be granted so much responsibility. Appalling, even. And since when has a monster being dead ever stopped an adventuring party from stopping it? Maybe you should be focusing on the obvious plothook rather than screaming at me!"

With a little twiddle of her fingers, the Headmaster expands point three to a significant size indeed.

"Hush. Listen." Leaning forward, she folds her hand on the desk, eyes tracking the elf's pacing. "Shhh, shh. There there. It'll all be all right, just as soon as you recognize one little simple thing. You're not in your world any more. You're in ours. Can we agree on that?"

"I have never once failed to acknowledge that I am trapped on your miserable little rocks for the duration of this railroad plot."

"Yes. You have. Every time you insist you have your magic here. Every time you insist that this world should or must conform to your view. Every time you act like you yourself are bigger and more important than this world and everyone on it."

V is talking to Headmaster Camillah Birony. If one thing is true across the multiverse, it is that when the kooky wizard starts being serious and rational, things have Gotten Real. (In the business they refer to this as the Fizban Corrolary.)

V's arms crossed. "If you have a point, I suggest you make it sooner rather than later. Or better yet, follow the plot hook, send a party of adventurers off against this dragon and either pay me to be on it or leave me alone to my studies. I have midterms to both write and study for, as well as research of my own and office hours."

"I have made it. Several times, actually. You're not listening, which is pretty wild with those ears of yours?"

Hard to say just when her grin becomes cold as ice, but something definitely shifts in her expression.

"I tried to reason with you. Explain things to you. That didn't work, so now I'll make my point as orders. You will stick to learning the Curricula and stop tampering with what you believe to be your magic (and isn't!). You will avoid any contact with the dragon. You will not cause harm to others with your spells of any stripe. And you will not again rant at or insult the researchers who are busting their butts to help you. Those are my decrees as Headmaster. Don't make me enforce them. I'll have to spend hours explaining why it's just you that's a jackass and not all Sundered, and that will make me cry from tedium. Got it?"

"You remind me of a Paladin I knew back in my own world," V said, insultingly. "You want to give me orders, you pay my fees, and the roaming charges alone for this little railroad quest are prohibitive. I will not be told what I can and cannot study by a child, and asking me to not rant at people or insult them is simply proof of a low INT score. It is like telling the Halfling not to steal things or Miss Starshine to give up treasure. I am not rewriting my character sheet to suit you."

One eyebrow arches up into a perfect curve.

"We are saving your life. Is the value of that life lower than at least pretending respect and courtesy to the people that are saving it? Because I think not threatening to plunge the world into calamity and ruin is a small price to pay to preserve that 'magnificent brain' of yours so it can save your world when you get back to it."

"You believe you might be saving my life. Perhaps. Either you have answers that you know to be facts, and thus know more about the situation than you have let on and thus cannot be trusted, or you know precisely as little as you claim in which case the danger to us is, at best, a reasonably educated guess. I am working to master the power you claim I need to master in order to survive, on the likelihood that either way, that much is potentially at least partially correct. However I see absolutely no reason whatsoever to limit myself to JUST those studies."

At that, Headmaster Birony's jaw drops.

It is not a comic drop. It does not reach the floor or anything hilarious like that. Her shock is genuine.

"When," she says, slowly rising from her chair with her arms outstretched, "have we ever not been clear that we know perfectly well this energy will destroy you? We've Intimated it! We've never hidden it! And I have told you the reason why you shouldn't work on your alleged studies, and you ignored it! That's why I switched to orders!"

"Oh you have been clear that we need to master this new magic or die. However you have also been just as clear that you do not understand well enough how we were brought here to send us home, as the two things are clearly linked either your knowledge or your motives are questionable. As I do not have a sense motive check worth taking twenty, my smartest play is the prepare for you to be knowledgeable and untrustworthy, trustworthy and mistaken, trustworthy and correct, mistaken and lying. The best way to prepare for all of the above is to study both all forms of magic that I can, which is precisely what I have been doing, as to the rest, you disliking my personality is an issue between personalities and nothing more."

The Headmaster sinks back into her chair, fingers working at her forehead.

"There is. Only. One. Form. Of Magic. All you are doing is shoving your rules into it. You are going to break it if you keep that up. And I'm not going to let you. Either stop voluntarily or I'll stop you. End of story."

"Magic is not a cheap lute one buys from a store at level one, it cannot be broken. At least not without a proper epic level quest."

And quite frankly, V would love to see you try...

Headmaster Birony proves that she might actually have some small capacity for her position by failing to roll her eyes.

"The Curricula can. And they exist for a very good reason. Without that structure, magic is unstable and chaos can and will result. Thus why we stay within the Curricula. And you need to. You are not more important than this world and all its people."

"If there were only one way to do magic there would only be ONE magic using class! But there isn't! There are Sorcerers and Wizards who use Arcane magic Clerics and Paladins who use Devine, Druids and Rangers who use Nature magic and don't even get me started on Bards and other classes that really shouldn't even HAVE magic. Magic is like life! There is no singular path! it grows and evolves! It has twists and turns and new secrets to explore always! Thinking there is only one way limited only the mage, not the magic!"

Cam Birony rocks her open hands back and forth, like she's balancing something. "Our world. Not your world. Our world. Okay? Get it? Our world. Our rules. Our fundamental force of reality the likes of which you know nothing, no matter how many years you studied on your world. Is this clear? Is any of this getting through to you? I can't make it clearer."

"Show me the source book," V said after a long moment.

She motions in the direction of the Library of Starchime, which conveniently communicates itself despite having no reason to whatsoever."That's the Grand Codifications. Before which there were no rules at all."

"I have done much research in that library, but shall read these Codifications as well. I presume you will be, in fact, sending a party after the dragon?"

"I think you are just -- underestimating how easily we can handle a normal dragon. Let alone a ghost dragon. We're honestly all lucky to be alive!" Headmaster Birony said, all perky again. "Except the ghosts. They're not that lucky."

"I honestly cannot tell if you are trying to claim that defeating the dragon will be easy or impossible," V said, irritated.

"Pretty much impossible! Aside from it already being dead and that not stopping it, it took... let's just say a lot of work, a LOT of work, to shake off the yoke of dragonkind. And a really lucky accident or three. One of them alone is more powerful than everyone here, put together, then doubled." Snapping her fingers shut like jaws, she demonstrated the most likely outcome of anyone challenging the dragon.

"Aren't cases like this, impossible to defeat monsters, more powerful than all the people combined EXACTLY the sort of plot hook that leads to the formation of a party?!"

"Not when a mysterious group of otherworldly people and beings has showed up, for reasons and purposes unknown," the Headmaster counters.

V's jaw actually dropped for a long moment. "That... that sounds EXACTLY like the start of an epic campaign plot hook?!" Was everyone here insane? "Make the party out of a misfit band of Sundered and natives, and you have a unlikely team that is sure to win the day!"

Headmaster Birony shakes her head. "No, no, no. There are enough Sundered that we're clearly on the 'wide scale' level of engagement. This isn't a small-unit-tactics situation any more. But there aren't enough that it's a societal upheaval either!"

".....Social upheaval?" So was THAT the plot hook then? V could work with that, probably.

"Yes. We'd like to avoid that. Riots bad. Fearmongering bad. Slaying of innocents, very bad." And the Sundered are innocents! By virtue of being convicted under no laws in the Tenscore Kingdoms!

Except for the elf she's facing right now. Hmm.

"Yes, because that is the only form of social upheaval. Right."

"Well, it's MUCH more likely than, say, you guys overthrowing our kingdoms and establishing a tyranny!"

"The presupposes any of us wish to remain here long enough to bother with wishing to be in control."

"Some of you want to stay, you know," Headmaster Birony says evenly. "So making sure they can is important too."

"What about this world do you think is so appealing that given any other option at all people would choose to remain?"

"Lack of enemies." She ticks off the points on her fingers. "Lack of horrible circumstances. Being alive. Those are three big ones, I think!"

"Big undead dragon ringing any bells?" V asked, dryly. "So not a lack of enemies, just a lack of arch rivals. I am pretty certain losing our own powers and being saddled with powers that will kill us if we fail to master them qualifies as a horrible circumstance, even before we consider the nightmare of this school all on its own. As to being alive, death is only a concern if your party lacks the diamonds or access to a high enough level cleric to bring you back. or if you are someone for whom your party would not spend for a resurrection."

"Big undead dragon is a general enemy, not a specific one. Big difference!" It just wants to kill everyone IMpersonally, not specifically hunt people down for who they are. "Also it may shock you to hear we don't routinely resurrect the dead around here... which I realize may account for some of your, ah, lack of sensitivity towards others."

"Why? Not enough Clerics? Just pledge money to raise a temple to their gods, and there you go. A group of clerics thrilled to bring back the dead and heal your wounds for a reasonable donation. Or just have one on staff and pay their fees."

Yes, this is why V really doesn't think much of explosive runes. Healing spells and potions are abundant where V comes from. Especially at higher levels.

"Just don't try to save money by hiring paladins. More trouble than they're worth."

"Right. See, those aren't a thing here. And neither is raising the dead. There are maybe three people who can do it, and they're all the best of the best of the very very best wizards."

"That's a wizard class skill in this set." How odd. "Very well, so then what is needed is to train more wizards to that level. Very well."

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So It's Come To This: An NPC Intervention

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I just reupped my paid for this thread, lol.

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Shame V';s canon point is from before meeting Elan's dad....

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