Xion (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nobodys_puppet) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
diatu2019-10-04 03:49 am
nobodys_puppet) wrote in diatu2019-10-04 03:49 am
Xion Introspective Narrative - now with Lea Log
Who: Xion and Lea/Axel
What: This is what Xion has been doing for, oh, the last two months.
When: From the end of this thread to current.
Where: Her dorm bed.
Warnings: Existential angst. Kingdom Hearts Angst. You've been warned.
Xion had been laying in bed a long time. A very long time. For someone who had been created only about a year before arriving in this place, spending so many weeks in bed was a large portion of the time since her creation. It was also, however, familiar. The difference was that that this time she was awake. Not aware, but not in a coma.
Of course that wasn't the only difference. And that was the point. After all, Xion had a lot to process. Nearly everything she had known, nearly everything she had been so sure was true... Wasn't. There was so much she had to adjust to. And she wasn't sure she could.
Could she really have a heart? When did it actually start growing? Was it a full heart or just a piece of one? How could she know?
What was trust really? Why did her friends trust her when they said trust was about honesty and telling each other everything and she had been hiding things this whole time? Why did she trust them if that was what trust was when she knew Axel could and would lie to keep them safe.
Were them people here really upset when they found out what she was because they were upset at the Organization, not her? Would people here really see her face if she went out without her hood up?
Xion had no idea how long she had been laying in bed, face pointed at the ceiling, eyes open more often than they were closed, but seeing nothing. She wasn't aware of anyone coming or going, if anyone was with her or if she was alone. Well no, not fully. Sometimes she was sure Axel or Roxas were there. It was like knowing the sun was shining even when facing away from it. Like a sense on the back of her hood. Like a warmth.
Was that love? She thought it was friendship. But now she was questioning. Questioning everything. Once She had written that she loved her friends. At the time she thought she had. Since... She had reminded herself over and over, and had been reminded over and over, that it was impossible. Had she just thought she loved them because of hearing Riku talk about Sora? Or did she actually love them back then? Did she love them now? She had read a lot of the books Axel had given her. From them she understood what a phone was or a television. Well, she could recognize them if she saw them, she wasn't sure she really understood how they worked. She was pretty sure she could identify them, at least. But none of the books explained what love was, or how to recognize it. None of them explained what trust was or friendship. None of them explained how to have a heart or what having a heart meant. Why wouldn't Axel give her books about that? Wouldn't that be more useful than knowing what dancing is?
If she did have a heart, how could she know for sure? She felt like that was something she should be sure about after everything. Not in that she expected herself to be sure already. More that she needed to become sure. Roxas and Axel said she had one, and she didn't think they were lying, but were they right? How could she find out? And if she did have a heart, what would happen if she fought a Heartless? What if Heartless showed up here? Three of them had Keyblades here. But if they all also had hearts... Was it too dangerous to fight the Heartless? The Heartless didn't care about Nobodies, she never had to be afraid of fighting Heartless, or of Roxas fighting them. But if they had hearts.... But if Heartless showed up here should they stand and fight? Was everyone in danger, or just them? Probably everyone who had a heart. But then how could they fight them? But if they did use their Keyblades, if they did fight Heartless... What would happen to the released hearts? Would they go to some other Kingdom Hearts or would they return to Nobodies to recomplete them?
And if she did have a heart... was she a Nobody with a heart? Was she a Somebody? Could a Replica ever become a Somebody? Was a Replica all she was, heart or no heart? Was she a person? A puppet? What decided that? She was a failed experiment, but wasn't that a good thing, given what she was built to do? Who she had been created to serve? She had always thought that her being a failed experiment was a bad thing. That she was a failure, a waste. But... If she in any way had made things harder for Xemnas, wasn't that good? Was it good that she was broken? That she had been a failed experiment? Had she actually helped, in the long run? Or at least... Not done as much damage as she could have? Should she be glad to have been a failed experiment? To have been broken?
Was she still broken? And if she was... Did it matter? Here? To Axel and Roxas? Did it matter if she was broken or a failure? No one here was waiting to punish her, to turn her into a Dusk or killing her for messing up. So... Did it matter if she was broken? Was it really a bad thing if she failed?
There were somethings she couldn't let herself fail at. Roxas and Axel. She wouldn't fail at anything they needed her to do. She wouldn't let herself. Not for fear of punishment but because she loved them. Right? Because they were her best friends, at any rate. So that was for them, and for her. But if she failed at eagull hunting? If she failed at classes? Did that really matter? Could she stop worrying about that? Maybe. Maybe.
So much kept coming back to the question of what she was, though. Because Somebodies had value in a way that Nobodies didn't. Nobodies like the Organization had been comprised of had more value than lesser Nobodies and Heartless. What had her value been? What was it now? If she knew what she was, maybe she could figure out what she should be doing. What she could be doing.
She was Roxas and Axel's best friend. She knew that. She was that. But what else was she? Who else was she? Was she a who or a what? Did she have a right to exist? Had she earned that? How did someone earn that? What was there to her? What were the things that didn't change?
Roxas. Axel. Sunset. Sea Salt Ice Cream. Sea shells. The sound of the ocean. Wanting her friends to be happy. Or at least, less miserable. Other than when they had ice cream, she wasn't sure happy was the right word for how they had been back then. Was happy an emotion? Noa said fear was, was happy? How was she supposed to know?
What were the things that changed? Her Keyblade. She had it, she didn't, she had it, she didn't. How people saw her. Or was that an unchanging thing now?
What else did she know about Xion? Scared. Always scared. Was that a changing thing or a constant thing? Roxas said she helped protect Sora's heart, but she hadn't. Not yet. Would she be able to as she was now? Was this why she could? This place? She wished she could meet the her that Roxas knew. Would she recognize herself? What would each of her see looking at the other's face? Was the other her a Somebody? Was she a who or a what?
Not knowing what was right. Was that a constant thing or a changing thing? Or... Did no one really know what was right for everyone? Had Riku been right that she had to cease? Yes. Because Roxas said that she had to have been in Sora's heart with him, that she hadn't vanished there. But did Riku know she wasn't going to vanish there? What about Naminé?
So many thoughts kept swirling in Xion's head. So many questions. And she had so few answers.
Alright. First what did she know?
She knew she was Xion. She knew that Axel and Roxas were her best friends. She knew that she was drawn to the beach and that sea shells were important. She knew that the closest she came to what she thought was happy was sunset with her best friends and ice cream. She knew she didn't like chocolate but she did like sea salt ice cream. She knew she wanted to protect her friends. She wanted to give to them at least some of what they gave to her.
What did she need to know? Did she have a heart? What was she now? Was she a who or a what? What was the difference between like and love? Could someone without a heart like? Could someone without a heart love? What things were actually emotions? How would people here see her? If she was attacked by bullies again, should she fight back? What was her value compared to theirs? What was her value here? Did her value change depending on who she asked? What should she do if Heartless attacked? What should she do if Xemnas did actually show up here?
Her hand spasmed on the bed. The fingers opened flat then curled and her Keyblade appeared in her hand, laying on the bed. It was like an anchor. She hadn't meant to call it in, but now that she had she was aware of her hand around the Keyblade. She was aware of her arm. She was aware of her body. She wasn't sure how long it had been since she had been aware of her body. She blinked a few times, able to see again as she looked up at a ceiling that didn't belong to the Castle where she'd spent so many nights unwaking. She lifted her arm slowly and she saw her Keyblade.
And she saw her answer about what she would do if any real threat ever did show up.
The Keyblade vanished, and for the first time in weeks - though she didn't know weeks had passed - she looked around to see where she was... And who else was there...
What: This is what Xion has been doing for, oh, the last two months.
When: From the end of this thread to current.
Where: Her dorm bed.
Warnings: Existential angst. Kingdom Hearts Angst. You've been warned.
Xion had been laying in bed a long time. A very long time. For someone who had been created only about a year before arriving in this place, spending so many weeks in bed was a large portion of the time since her creation. It was also, however, familiar. The difference was that that this time she was awake. Not aware, but not in a coma.
Of course that wasn't the only difference. And that was the point. After all, Xion had a lot to process. Nearly everything she had known, nearly everything she had been so sure was true... Wasn't. There was so much she had to adjust to. And she wasn't sure she could.
Could she really have a heart? When did it actually start growing? Was it a full heart or just a piece of one? How could she know?
What was trust really? Why did her friends trust her when they said trust was about honesty and telling each other everything and she had been hiding things this whole time? Why did she trust them if that was what trust was when she knew Axel could and would lie to keep them safe.
Were them people here really upset when they found out what she was because they were upset at the Organization, not her? Would people here really see her face if she went out without her hood up?
Xion had no idea how long she had been laying in bed, face pointed at the ceiling, eyes open more often than they were closed, but seeing nothing. She wasn't aware of anyone coming or going, if anyone was with her or if she was alone. Well no, not fully. Sometimes she was sure Axel or Roxas were there. It was like knowing the sun was shining even when facing away from it. Like a sense on the back of her hood. Like a warmth.
Was that love? She thought it was friendship. But now she was questioning. Questioning everything. Once She had written that she loved her friends. At the time she thought she had. Since... She had reminded herself over and over, and had been reminded over and over, that it was impossible. Had she just thought she loved them because of hearing Riku talk about Sora? Or did she actually love them back then? Did she love them now? She had read a lot of the books Axel had given her. From them she understood what a phone was or a television. Well, she could recognize them if she saw them, she wasn't sure she really understood how they worked. She was pretty sure she could identify them, at least. But none of the books explained what love was, or how to recognize it. None of them explained what trust was or friendship. None of them explained how to have a heart or what having a heart meant. Why wouldn't Axel give her books about that? Wouldn't that be more useful than knowing what dancing is?
If she did have a heart, how could she know for sure? She felt like that was something she should be sure about after everything. Not in that she expected herself to be sure already. More that she needed to become sure. Roxas and Axel said she had one, and she didn't think they were lying, but were they right? How could she find out? And if she did have a heart, what would happen if she fought a Heartless? What if Heartless showed up here? Three of them had Keyblades here. But if they all also had hearts... Was it too dangerous to fight the Heartless? The Heartless didn't care about Nobodies, she never had to be afraid of fighting Heartless, or of Roxas fighting them. But if they had hearts.... But if Heartless showed up here should they stand and fight? Was everyone in danger, or just them? Probably everyone who had a heart. But then how could they fight them? But if they did use their Keyblades, if they did fight Heartless... What would happen to the released hearts? Would they go to some other Kingdom Hearts or would they return to Nobodies to recomplete them?
And if she did have a heart... was she a Nobody with a heart? Was she a Somebody? Could a Replica ever become a Somebody? Was a Replica all she was, heart or no heart? Was she a person? A puppet? What decided that? She was a failed experiment, but wasn't that a good thing, given what she was built to do? Who she had been created to serve? She had always thought that her being a failed experiment was a bad thing. That she was a failure, a waste. But... If she in any way had made things harder for Xemnas, wasn't that good? Was it good that she was broken? That she had been a failed experiment? Had she actually helped, in the long run? Or at least... Not done as much damage as she could have? Should she be glad to have been a failed experiment? To have been broken?
Was she still broken? And if she was... Did it matter? Here? To Axel and Roxas? Did it matter if she was broken or a failure? No one here was waiting to punish her, to turn her into a Dusk or killing her for messing up. So... Did it matter if she was broken? Was it really a bad thing if she failed?
There were somethings she couldn't let herself fail at. Roxas and Axel. She wouldn't fail at anything they needed her to do. She wouldn't let herself. Not for fear of punishment but because she loved them. Right? Because they were her best friends, at any rate. So that was for them, and for her. But if she failed at eagull hunting? If she failed at classes? Did that really matter? Could she stop worrying about that? Maybe. Maybe.
So much kept coming back to the question of what she was, though. Because Somebodies had value in a way that Nobodies didn't. Nobodies like the Organization had been comprised of had more value than lesser Nobodies and Heartless. What had her value been? What was it now? If she knew what she was, maybe she could figure out what she should be doing. What she could be doing.
She was Roxas and Axel's best friend. She knew that. She was that. But what else was she? Who else was she? Was she a who or a what? Did she have a right to exist? Had she earned that? How did someone earn that? What was there to her? What were the things that didn't change?
Roxas. Axel. Sunset. Sea Salt Ice Cream. Sea shells. The sound of the ocean. Wanting her friends to be happy. Or at least, less miserable. Other than when they had ice cream, she wasn't sure happy was the right word for how they had been back then. Was happy an emotion? Noa said fear was, was happy? How was she supposed to know?
What were the things that changed? Her Keyblade. She had it, she didn't, she had it, she didn't. How people saw her. Or was that an unchanging thing now?
What else did she know about Xion? Scared. Always scared. Was that a changing thing or a constant thing? Roxas said she helped protect Sora's heart, but she hadn't. Not yet. Would she be able to as she was now? Was this why she could? This place? She wished she could meet the her that Roxas knew. Would she recognize herself? What would each of her see looking at the other's face? Was the other her a Somebody? Was she a who or a what?
Not knowing what was right. Was that a constant thing or a changing thing? Or... Did no one really know what was right for everyone? Had Riku been right that she had to cease? Yes. Because Roxas said that she had to have been in Sora's heart with him, that she hadn't vanished there. But did Riku know she wasn't going to vanish there? What about Naminé?
So many thoughts kept swirling in Xion's head. So many questions. And she had so few answers.
Alright. First what did she know?
She knew she was Xion. She knew that Axel and Roxas were her best friends. She knew that she was drawn to the beach and that sea shells were important. She knew that the closest she came to what she thought was happy was sunset with her best friends and ice cream. She knew she didn't like chocolate but she did like sea salt ice cream. She knew she wanted to protect her friends. She wanted to give to them at least some of what they gave to her.
What did she need to know? Did she have a heart? What was she now? Was she a who or a what? What was the difference between like and love? Could someone without a heart like? Could someone without a heart love? What things were actually emotions? How would people here see her? If she was attacked by bullies again, should she fight back? What was her value compared to theirs? What was her value here? Did her value change depending on who she asked? What should she do if Heartless attacked? What should she do if Xemnas did actually show up here?
Her hand spasmed on the bed. The fingers opened flat then curled and her Keyblade appeared in her hand, laying on the bed. It was like an anchor. She hadn't meant to call it in, but now that she had she was aware of her hand around the Keyblade. She was aware of her arm. She was aware of her body. She wasn't sure how long it had been since she had been aware of her body. She blinked a few times, able to see again as she looked up at a ceiling that didn't belong to the Castle where she'd spent so many nights unwaking. She lifted her arm slowly and she saw her Keyblade.
And she saw her answer about what she would do if any real threat ever did show up.
The Keyblade vanished, and for the first time in weeks - though she didn't know weeks had passed - she looked around to see where she was... And who else was there...
no subject
"And I at least, have to go back. Without me, our side is gonna be one Guardian of Light short."
no subject