She curled into them both, hands clutching their shirts, as if afraid that they would pull away or vanish. She was shaking so badly that it seemed like they were all that was holding her together. Really, most of her existence that was exactly what they had done for her. She didn't know why she was crying like this, why she hurt so much, but she knew that it was less with them so close. She didn't know why. She just knew it was.
Her head was spinning and it was like she was falling off the clocktower again, and only feeling their nearness kept her from believing it. It was as if everything she knew about herself shattered, as of something at the core of herself had exploded but the shards didn't hurt like she thought they would. Well they did, but it wasn't the pain of being unmade like she had half expected. It didn't feel like vanishing. And what was left after the explosion, what had been hidden within should have been different and strange. It should have been nothing at all or been unrecognizable, a stranger. But while it was different, it was somehow also her. It was as if she had shattered.. to find another her under and within. Whatever made her talk was held silent by the fact that she didn't have any words to even begin to explain this. She wasn't sure what was happening to her.
She had hurt her friends, and she knew that. But they said they would rather her say things that hurt therm a little, because doing it all at once like this had hurt them more. And they were mad at her for trying not to hurt them at all. And she could almost understand why. Almost. It was like chasing that one last heartless before quitting time. She almost had it and it kept slipping away from her, but it was close. So close.
But at the same time there were other things she was chasing and that was chasing her. Could she really have had a heart this whole time? That would mean that she wasn't going to change and they were right, but wouldn't she have known if she had a heart? Wouldn't Axel have known if they had hearts? But he said he had been fooled, but most of the Nobodies had been Somebodies first and knew what it felt like to have a heart. How could they have all been fooled? Wasn't a heart supposed to be this huge important thing? How could they not have realized they were growing? Maybe hearts weren't at all what she thought they were, but then... what were they? How could she find out more?
And Saïx... was he really not that different? Could he be telling the truth. For Axel's sake she wanted him to be telling the truth, wanted things to be better. She was afraid, but then they kept all telling her that she needed to not be and...
And the fear did hurt. It did. But could she really just not be afraid? Could she put the fear aside and just... be? She wasn't sure she knew how to not be afraid all the time, but she wanted to. She wanted to try. She did. But did she know how? Could they even show her? What would it be like to not be afraid all the time? She wasn't sure. She hadn't been afraid at the very beginning, because it hadn't mattered. But then she had friends and it did matter. She didn't want to lose them. Was that part of having a heart? Or part of being her? Or was it both? Was that proof that she started having a heart back then?
She had thought she loved her friends once, she remembered writing that. But since she had gotten so convinced that she'd imagined it. That it had been fake. That you needed a heart to love and she didn't have one so she couldn't. What did love feel like? Was this love? How would she know? How did anyone know?
She sniffed, only vaguely aware of her physical form, and only that through the anchors of Roxas and Axel. She was more aware of them than she was of herself. They were real in a way that she didn't seem to be at the moment. It was as if whatever remained after the explosion wasn't quite there the way they were. It was like that drip of ice cream that fell when she ate too slowly. It was ice cream, like the rest of her ice cream, but it was also separate, falling. If she moved right she could catch it, but how did she do that? How did she catch the falling ice cream when it was also her....?
So glad this is now so far backdated, cause she's going to need to spend a week just... THINKING.
Her head was spinning and it was like she was falling off the clocktower again, and only feeling their nearness kept her from believing it. It was as if everything she knew about herself shattered, as of something at the core of herself had exploded but the shards didn't hurt like she thought they would. Well they did, but it wasn't the pain of being unmade like she had half expected. It didn't feel like vanishing. And what was left after the explosion, what had been hidden within should have been different and strange. It should have been nothing at all or been unrecognizable, a stranger. But while it was different, it was somehow also her. It was as if she had shattered.. to find another her under and within. Whatever made her talk was held silent by the fact that she didn't have any words to even begin to explain this. She wasn't sure what was happening to her.
She had hurt her friends, and she knew that. But they said they would rather her say things that hurt therm a little, because doing it all at once like this had hurt them more. And they were mad at her for trying not to hurt them at all. And she could almost understand why. Almost. It was like chasing that one last heartless before quitting time. She almost had it and it kept slipping away from her, but it was close. So close.
But at the same time there were other things she was chasing and that was chasing her. Could she really have had a heart this whole time? That would mean that she wasn't going to change and they were right, but wouldn't she have known if she had a heart? Wouldn't Axel have known if they had hearts? But he said he had been fooled, but most of the Nobodies had been Somebodies first and knew what it felt like to have a heart. How could they have all been fooled? Wasn't a heart supposed to be this huge important thing? How could they not have realized they were growing? Maybe hearts weren't at all what she thought they were, but then... what were they? How could she find out more?
And Saïx... was he really not that different? Could he be telling the truth. For Axel's sake she wanted him to be telling the truth, wanted things to be better. She was afraid, but then they kept all telling her that she needed to not be and...
And the fear did hurt. It did. But could she really just not be afraid? Could she put the fear aside and just... be? She wasn't sure she knew how to not be afraid all the time, but she wanted to. She wanted to try. She did. But did she know how? Could they even show her? What would it be like to not be afraid all the time? She wasn't sure. She hadn't been afraid at the very beginning, because it hadn't mattered. But then she had friends and it did matter. She didn't want to lose them. Was that part of having a heart? Or part of being her? Or was it both? Was that proof that she started having a heart back then?
She had thought she loved her friends once, she remembered writing that. But since she had gotten so convinced that she'd imagined it. That it had been fake. That you needed a heart to love and she didn't have one so she couldn't. What did love feel like? Was this love? How would she know? How did anyone know?
She sniffed, only vaguely aware of her physical form, and only that through the anchors of Roxas and Axel. She was more aware of them than she was of herself. They were real in a way that she didn't seem to be at the moment. It was as if whatever remained after the explosion wasn't quite there the way they were. It was like that drip of ice cream that fell when she ate too slowly. It was ice cream, like the rest of her ice cream, but it was also separate, falling. If she moved right she could catch it, but how did she do that? How did she catch the falling ice cream when it was also her....?