diatu | I wanna know What you're feeling

I wanna know What you're feeling

Who: Lea and Xion, eventually joined by Roxas and possibly Isa
Where: The Ka dorm
When: Backdated to shortly after the end of the body-swap event
What: In which some things come out and progress is hopefully made
Warnings: Angst and feels

Of all the reasons Lea was glad to be back in his own body, the one he currently held in his hand was a relatively minor one, but one that he was sure would prove useful nonetheless. The object in question was a glass bottle containing about six ounces of pale blue translucent liquid and stoppered with a cork. It was a potion he'd purchased off of a fellow student for use in his Forging; it was supposed to help remove impurities from metals and reveal flaws in various types of stones.

While he was stuck in Isa's body and the student he'd been purchasing it from had been stuck in the body of his toad familiar they understandably hadn't been able to make the exchange. But now the potion sat on top of a couple books on his bedside table, and he was eager to go try it out. Just as soon as he'd fed Smoke, his rat.

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She curled into them both, hands clutching their shirts, as if afraid that they would pull away or vanish. She was shaking so badly that it seemed like they were all that was holding her together. Really, most of her existence that was exactly what they had done for her. She didn't know why she was crying like this, why she hurt so much, but she knew that it was less with them so close. She didn't know why. She just knew it was.

Her head was spinning and it was like she was falling off the clocktower again, and only feeling their nearness kept her from believing it. It was as if everything she knew about herself shattered, as of something at the core of herself had exploded but the shards didn't hurt like she thought they would. Well they did, but it wasn't the pain of being unmade like she had half expected. It didn't feel like vanishing. And what was left after the explosion, what had been hidden within should have been different and strange. It should have been nothing at all or been unrecognizable, a stranger. But while it was different, it was somehow also her. It was as if she had shattered.. to find another her under and within. Whatever made her talk was held silent by the fact that she didn't have any words to even begin to explain this. She wasn't sure what was happening to her.

She had hurt her friends, and she knew that. But they said they would rather her say things that hurt therm a little, because doing it all at once like this had hurt them more. And they were mad at her for trying not to hurt them at all. And she could almost understand why. Almost. It was like chasing that one last heartless before quitting time. She almost had it and it kept slipping away from her, but it was close. So close.

But at the same time there were other things she was chasing and that was chasing her. Could she really have had a heart this whole time? That would mean that she wasn't going to change and they were right, but wouldn't she have known if she had a heart? Wouldn't Axel have known if they had hearts? But he said he had been fooled, but most of the Nobodies had been Somebodies first and knew what it felt like to have a heart. How could they have all been fooled? Wasn't a heart supposed to be this huge important thing? How could they not have realized they were growing? Maybe hearts weren't at all what she thought they were, but then... what were they? How could she find out more?

And Saïx... was he really not that different? Could he be telling the truth. For Axel's sake she wanted him to be telling the truth, wanted things to be better. She was afraid, but then they kept all telling her that she needed to not be and...

And the fear did hurt. It did. But could she really just not be afraid? Could she put the fear aside and just... be? She wasn't sure she knew how to not be afraid all the time, but she wanted to. She wanted to try. She did. But did she know how? Could they even show her? What would it be like to not be afraid all the time? She wasn't sure. She hadn't been afraid at the very beginning, because it hadn't mattered. But then she had friends and it did matter. She didn't want to lose them. Was that part of having a heart? Or part of being her? Or was it both? Was that proof that she started having a heart back then?

She had thought she loved her friends once, she remembered writing that. But since she had gotten so convinced that she'd imagined it. That it had been fake. That you needed a heart to love and she didn't have one so she couldn't. What did love feel like? Was this love? How would she know? How did anyone know?

She sniffed, only vaguely aware of her physical form, and only that through the anchors of Roxas and Axel. She was more aware of them than she was of herself. They were real in a way that she didn't seem to be at the moment. It was as if whatever remained after the explosion wasn't quite there the way they were. It was like that drip of ice cream that fell when she ate too slowly. It was ice cream, like the rest of her ice cream, but it was also separate, falling. If she moved right she could catch it, but how did she do that? How did she catch the falling ice cream when it was also her....?

Seeing Xion fall apart like this really did hurt, but... he got the feeling that this was necessary. He had no idea how long Xion had been holding onto these worries and this pain, but she seemed to be finally letting some of that go. When he, Xion, and Lea had all embraced in the Keyblade Graveyard, there had been tears, and those tears had brought lethargy as much as they had joy, releasing pain that had lasted for so long. He hoped, for Xion's sake, that this crying helped her out the same way.

He looked up at Lea moved to hug her as well, but otherwise didn't move; he held onto her, hugging her and holding her together while she broke apart.

Lea held them both, relieved as Xion's crying seemed to be settling down to sniffling, but unsure what to say next. He was also very aware of Isa still standing by, but didn't know what to say there either. Part of him wanted to invite Isa into the group hug, but he figured that probably wouldn't be a good idea just then.

So he just continued the hug in silence hoping that Xion or someone else would say something while privately trying to figure out what to do if they didn't.

The tearful hug goes on for a while, at least it feels like a while to Isa, who's awkwardly waiting for someone to speak up...

When no one does, Isa softly clearly his throat.

"It's getting late..." he says gently.

Indeed, the sun had already set, and the night sky could be seen out the windows instead.

She heard a voice but it seemed so distant it took her a moment to recognize it as a voice at all. She had no idea how long they had been sitting like that, she wasn't even fully sure she was still sitting. She.. wasn't sure of much, really.

What she was, for one. If she had a heart, was she a Somebody? Was she still a Nobody? She was still a Replica, wasn't she? A failed experiment? Right? She wasn't sure at the moment. She was sure Roxas was there and was her friend. She was sure Axel was there and was her friend, even if he sometimes called himself Lea now. She was sure who they were.

But herself?

"Who am I?" she hadn't intended to ask out loud. Wasn't sure if she actually had. But part of whoever she was needed to tie to her anchors, to Roxas and Axel. Needed to connect to them. They would know for sure, wouldn't they? If she was still her? Who her even was...

Isa's soft clearing of his throat drew Roxas's attention, and he raised his head to look at Isa, giving him a slight nod of acknowledgment. Still being clung to by Xion and wrapped under Lea's arms, he couldn't wiggle free, but he was content to remain in the hug as long as he was needed. He won't pull back until he feels the others disengage.

Xion's words caused him to turn back to her, and despite all the sadness that she let out, a small smile forms on his face.

"You're Xion. And you're our best friend."

Lea looked up at Isa when he cleared his throat, giving a bit of a sheepish smile. Yeah, he knew this had to have been getting pretty awkward for his friend not involved in the hug, but the problem of what else to do in the current situation still remained.

But when Xion spoke for the first time in a while, he turned his attention back to her, as Roxas did. "Yeah," he agreed. "Like Roxas said, you're Xion, and you're our best friend. And you're always going to be." He finally shifted back from the hug though he kept a hand on Xion's shoulder. "Got it memorized?"

His catchphrase was said a bit more gently than usual, but it was also less rhetorical. This was something Xion apparently needed to commit to memory.

"...Listen to your friends, Xion," Isa adds, his voice still gentle, "and trust them."

He hopes, for all their sake, that what's being said is actually getting through to her.

She swallowed hard at all their words, sensing them settle within her. Or... was she feeling it? She wasn't sure. She no longer even thought she knew what the difference was. Some lingering something remained, because she hadn't intended to speak, but she heard her own voice, as if from far away. "I do trust my friends," her voice said softly. "Always." She found herself looking up at Axel. Axel who she knew would lie to protect them, would even hurt them to protect them from worse hurts. There had never been a question for her, she trusted him. She hoped he knew that. She hoped Roxas had learned that lesson too.

As Lea pulled away, Roxas, too, pulled back, offering her a smile. It seemed that their words finally sunk in, and she was seriously considering them. He nodded to her, before his gaze moved from her, to Lea, to Isa, and back again. He didn't know what the road ahead looked like, but at least they had taken their first few steps.

"That's good. And we trust you, too, Xion."

Lea nodded in agreement with Roxas, smiling a bit too. "Even when you don't quite trust yourself, we always trust you," he said. "Whatever happens and wherever we go from here, we'll trust each other."

With a bit of a sigh that was half-relief, half-emotional exhaustion, he looked up at Isa, then glanced at the window, noting exactly how late it had gotten. "And speaking of going places, looks like we won't be going for ice cream tonight," he said. "Though honestly, that's probably a good thing; not sure any of us are quite up for ice cream after all that."

Lea's not the only one sighing in relief.

"I don't know about ice cream, but I could go for a stiff drink"

Which is saying something, since you could could count the number of times he's had alcohol since coming here on a single hand. But he figured both he and Lea could use it, he especially wanted Lea to have the chance to relax after all that.

Trust her...? "Why.. would you trust me?" she asked, confused. Her voice was still small, distant. She was there but she wasn't, she didn't know how else to describe it. Like she needed to sleep, like she'd never sleep again, like she knew who she was for the first time, and like she knew less than ever.

Edited 2019-09-16 03:19 (UTC)

"A stiff drink?"

He looked between Isa and Lea, blinking in surprise. That's the first time he's really heard anything like that come from Isa, and it's a little surprising. It makes a small smirk form on his face, before he turns back to Xion.

"Because. Friends are honest with each other, and best friends trust each other. That's why we trust you."

Lea chuckled, standing up and stretching a little. "I think I'll take you up on that," he said to Isa. "But before I do, c'mere!" He then turned and wrapped his blue-haired friend in a hug, his smile shifting to resemble his usual cheeky one a bit more. "You didn't think you were escaping without being part of the hug-fest, did you?"

Fortunately for Isa, his hug didn't last nearly as long as the previous one, though Lea did keep an arm around his shoulders as he turned back to speak to Xion. "I know I sound like a broken record by now, but what Roxas said," he said. "We trust you cause you're our best friend. The same reason you trust us. Even if we don't always get everything right, and even if it isn't necessarily what the other person wants to hear, we'll always do our best to be honest with each other. Cause that's what friends do."

"What-?"

Before Isa can really protest, he's scooped into the hug by Lea. He seems to visibly tense and starts to turn a color remarkably close to the color of Lea's hair.

Thankfully, though, the hug doesn't last long, and when it's over he turns away from Lea, crossing his arms in a huff, "Give me more of a warning next time."

Despite his apparent annoyance, however, Isa let's Lea keep his arm around his shoulder with no comment or protest.

Drinks were liquid, weren't they? She had heard him say something about it before, but figured it was something only she didn't know until Roxas asked too. She wanted to answer her friends but something Axel said had stopped her. Her mouth opened, then closed. They trusted her for the same reason she trusted them. But....

She trusted them, Completely. But she couldn't actually say why. Why did someone trust? What even was trust? Now that she was thinking about it, she wasn't sure she knew. Was it the being honest that he mentioned? But it wasn't. Because he wasn't always honest and she trusted him knowing that. So it wasn't about not lying. And it wasn't about telling each other everything, because he never did that. So what... what was trust then? She had known. She could have answered this morning, couldn't she have? Now she wasn't sure.

He chuckled at Lea wrapping his arm around Isa, grinning. It was so strange; seeing Isa so off-kilter by a few friendly gestures. Such a start contrast from Saix.

"But I think you're right. We should probably get out of here." Because this had been heavy stuff, and while it was a bit too late for ice cream, having some time to de-frag would be nice. At Lea's comments, he turned to the redhead and nodded.

"Yeah. Because friends have your best interest at heart... even if they sometimes do stupid things to show it."

Lea smiled at Isa's flustered reaction to the surprise hug. "Aw, c'mon; where's the fun in that?", he said. "Besides, you and I both know you like them, even if you try to be Mr. Line-face all the time."

And he couldn't help but chuckle at Roxas' comment too. "You know I think that about sums us up in a nutshell right there," he said. They all meant well... but they could all be dumb as a box of rocks at various points.

"Before we all head off though," he said, "I think we were going to get a picture with the three of us? That is, if Xion is still willing to put her hood down for it for a minute?" It was a real question, as she still seemed rather zoned out. He was almost tempted to see if Roxas would be willing to stay over that night, just to have someone there with her.

Isa's only reply to Lea is another soft huff, even if he liked them, he still wanted a warning.

...

"I can take the picture for you, if you'd like." It's be a lot easier than them trying to take a selfie.

Someone being with her might not be a bad idea, but she probably wasn't going to notice. Her head was kind of spinning. But she looked up when he mentioned a picture. Mentioned taking her hood down. She hesitated, still worried, still unsure. She wanted to know that Roxas would see her face. She did. But what if they were wrong? She swallowed hard and looked down at her gloves, then looked up at Roxas from under the hood, unsure. Letting him chose. What if he didn't see her? What if Saïx.....?

"I think a picture would be great!" Roxas said, smiling. It had been a while since he'd taken photos, and had definitely done so once he got back to Twilight Town; he's a little miffed that the photos he'd taken before coming to this world were gone. Still, it's like what Lea said, this was a good opportunity to take more photos and make more memories.

He looked to Xion, and, seeing her hesitate, he offered her a smile. "It's alright, Xion." He encouraged. He really hoped she would trust them to lower her hood...

Lea nodded at Siax's suggestion. "Not a bad idea," he said. "Will probably look better that way than if I held it out selfie-style anyway. Providing that Roxas doesn't mind you borrowing his gummiphone for a minute, of course."

And of course providing that Xion was willing to lower her hood. That was actually the much bigger 'if' in the scenario, given that Roxas seemed pretty keen on the photo idea. Lea gave her an encouraging smile of his own, nodding his agreement with Roxas. It was indeed alright.

Isa looks between the three, and waits for a decision to be made.

She took a deep breath then raising shaking hands, gripped the edges of her hood. She trembled all over as she slowly lowered, it, looking down at her lap, rather than at any of them. She was pale and still very overwhelmed as well as afraid, and all of that showed in the now visible face.

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twilightskey - 2019-10-03 18:02 (UTC) - Expand

Re: \o/

hotheadwarmheart - 2019-10-14 01:21 (UTC) - Expand

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I wanna know What you're feeling

So glad this is now so far backdated, cause she's going to need to spend a week just... THINKING.

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Sorry for the lack of icons, hers was a premium account, and I need to make some hard choices.

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Now with icons

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