diatu | I wanna know What you're feeling

I wanna know What you're feeling

Who: Lea and Xion, eventually joined by Roxas and possibly Isa
Where: The Ka dorm
When: Backdated to shortly after the end of the body-swap event
What: In which some things come out and progress is hopefully made
Warnings: Angst and feels

Of all the reasons Lea was glad to be back in his own body, the one he currently held in his hand was a relatively minor one, but one that he was sure would prove useful nonetheless. The object in question was a glass bottle containing about six ounces of pale blue translucent liquid and stoppered with a cork. It was a potion he'd purchased off of a fellow student for use in his Forging; it was supposed to help remove impurities from metals and reveal flaws in various types of stones.

While he was stuck in Isa's body and the student he'd been purchasing it from had been stuck in the body of his toad familiar they understandably hadn't been able to make the exchange. But now the potion sat on top of a couple books on his bedside table, and he was eager to go try it out. Just as soon as he'd fed Smoke, his rat.

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"That chocolate ice cream had been horrible," she said making a face. Not the point, not even a little bit the point, but those were the words that came out. "Why can't I stop talking? Why can't I just shut up?" she asked in a small distressed whimper, clutching her hand against her middle. "It was bad before but now he's here and he's what I don't want to talk about and I don't want to hu..." she shoved her hands over her mouth again, struggling, fighting to keep the words inside.

Roxas frowned at Xion's comment, before glancing at Isa. He truth potion effect had been hard with just him and Lea, but now that Isa was here, it looked like she was struggling even moreso.

"Xion... is a big part of this because Isa's here? Are you still worried about him?" He asked it carefully, in a calm voice. He tried to not make it sound too accusatory to either her or Isa; that's the last thing he wanted. "You know, you can talk about things that are bugging you, even if it's about one of us. It's okay to be honest with friends."

Lea had to fight the urge to snap at Xion for that sort of answer because they had literally just told her that speaking her mind wouldn't hurt them. Seriously, how hard was it to get that idea through her head?

Fortunately, Roxas spoke up first and prevented Lea from probably saying something he'd regret later. And also directly addressed the elephant in the room. "Yeah," he said. "Look Xion, you don't have to try and spare my feelings here if that's what you're worried about. I'm a big boy; I can handle it. But all this dancing around the topic is really starting to get old."

"If you have a problem with Isa, just say so," he said. "I'm pretty sure it's not what it originally was, since I figure even you have figured out that the likelihood of him being up to anything shady is pretty low at this point, but both Isa and I are waiting for an answer as to what it actually is. Just tell us, get it out in the open, and then we can deal with it. Together."

"If he isn't playing a game and conning us then having a heart changed him that much! And there is so little of me left that I don't want one if it's going to do that! I want him to still be evil so I don't have to be afraid of becoming real, but I don't want him to be evil still because that would hurt you," she snapped at Axel. "Either answer is bad! Either answer means my one of my best friends loses one of his best friends! And I was going to talk to Sora about it when you suggested talking to Sora about things but he was gone! JUST GONE! Just like any of us could be at any moment, and we'll never know why!" She might be screaming again. She very much was crying again. "I don't want you to be hurt! I don't want him to be evil and betray you, but I also don't want to vanish!"

"...You won't vanish, Xion."

Given how Xion had screamed her last words, Roxas's came out surprisingly calm. True he was hurting to see his best friend so tortured, but he also knew her logic was flawed. So, so flawed, and fed with lies and fears.

"You don't remember what it was like, being in Sora's heart. Because you didn't get to experience it yet. Not the way I did." He let out a breath, his gaze flicking down for a moment. "I thought I would vanish when I went back to Sora as well. I thought I'd just stop existing. But I didn't. I was still there, in Sora's heart. I was part of Sora, but I was still me. Sora had three hearts inside of his. Mine, Ventus's... and yours. All of us were in his heart, safeguarding it, and yet we were still ourselves. We never lost ourselves to Sora; we were our own beings with our own hearts." He paused, then looked up at Xion again.

"If there's so little of you like you say, do you really think you'd be able to survive Sora's heart? I know you wouldn't; you'd be absorbed into him, or vanish into fragments. But you didn't. You know why?" Even if she was afraid of the answer... it needed to be said.

"You already know why, I think. Even if it scares you... but that fear that you feel? That desire to not hurt us? If you truly didn't have a heart, you would feel none of that. You wouldn't care about hurting us, or about losing a friend, or about someone potentially hurting someone. But you do."

He took a step forward, a hand outstretched. If she allowed him to get close, he would slowly, carefully, put it over her chest. Over where her heart would be.

"You've had a heart, all this time. And it's been afraid of losing the things you love... hasn't it? But you don't have to be scared anymore. I promise. Having a heart won't make you lose what you care for, and it doesn't make you vanish. It doesn't change you into someone your not, it keeps you from becoming anyone else. Having a heart... makes you you."

Edited 2019-08-22 07:17 (UTC)

Isa lets what Roxas said have a moment to sink in, to let Xion meditate on it before speaking up himself.

But he still needs to say this.

"Do you truly think so little of me that the only way you can even conceive of me changing is if I have somehow become an entirely new person?"

Though he's trying to keep his usual stoic tone, a distinct note of sadness and regret can be heard.

"You only knew me for a brief moment in time, a time when I was at my absolute lowest, a time when I had a piece of Xehanort festering inside me where my heart should have been.

"Being free of Xehanort and being able to feel regret and remorse again may have been the catalyst for my introspection, and desire to change, but I can assure you that any changes in me are changes I want to make."

Edited 2019-08-22 19:52 (UTC)

Part of Lea was tempted to just point at Roxas and Isa and say 'what they said', because he felt they had stated the important points better than he himself could. But at the same time he knew how much his opinion meant to Xion and so opted to make his best effort.

"Roxas is right," Lea said. "The fact that you were able to be kept safe inside Sora's heart and help keep his safe in turn is proof that you had one all along, whether you know it or not. Whether you want to admit it or not. Sora's heart is strong enough that it would have just overwhelmed you otherwise. You've got a good, strong, caring heart all your own. And the fact that you can care about us and be afraid of losing us is even more proof that it's there."

"And Isa's right too," he said. "Having or regaining your heart doesn't change who you are. But it does make you able to see things more clearly, to really care about someone besides yourself, and to feel regret and remorse for causing harm. I got lucky; I met Sora and had you and Roxas with me to help reinforce that. Isa... didn't. All he had was Xemnas and Xehanort whispering in his ear and dragging him down."

"Nothing made him change anymore than anything made me change," he said. "I decided to leave the Organization to try and restore Roxas. I decided to help Sora even though I knew what it would cost me. And after I became Lea again, I decided to fight on the side of the light. Not because suddenly having a heart again made me a different person, but because I was finally able to regret how much harm I'd caused as Axel and wanted to make amends."

"And also? Even if none of that was true, even then you still wouldn't have reason to worry about having a heart just because Isa seems different than the Siax you remember. Because really, you and him? Totally different situations. You're a Replica that Vexen created, and you gained a Heart from scratch. You didn't having any baggage to bring along from before you lost your heart like Isa and I did because you never lost it. So it's a little like comparing apples to oranges. The only thing your situations have in common is that you were friends with me and you both gained hearts. Nothing else. So there's no actual reason to think that gaining a heart would change you like you think it changed him. It's just not the same process. Got it memorized?"

Something seemed like it was breaking within her, but at the same something seemed like it was being built and none of that made sense and she was crying. And she didn't know why she was crying. Her hands were over her face as her small frame shook, her head moving in a million directions at once. She wanted something. Desperately. But she had no clue what. She was hurting but also not hurting and she didn't understand any of it. She was overwhelmed and sobbing and shaking, curling in on herself. She hadn't pulled away from Roxas, she wouldn't have even if she could. But now... something was wrong with her. Why couldn't she stop shaking? Why couldn't she stop shaking? Was she broken? She couldn't even formulate coherent thoughts.

As much as it seemed to hurt Xion, it seemed that somehow, finally, all their words were finally starting to reach her. He could see she her sobbing, curling into herself even though she pulled away... she needed something, and without thinking, he reacted.

Stepping forward, he closed the distance around her, pulling his had away and carefully wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her close, allowing her to crumple on him if she needed.

"It's alright, Xion."

Lea honestly wasn't sure whether this new crying fit was a good thing or a bad thing. Something told him it was the former but until she settled enough to be coherent again, it would be difficult to tell.

One thing he was sure of though, and that was what to do next. He shifted to one side and wrapped his arms around both Xion and Roxas, offering support to them both. That was ultimately what he seemed to be best at, after all. "Yeah," he said gently. "It's alright. We've got you. We always will. So you can cry as much as you need to."

She curled into them both, hands clutching their shirts, as if afraid that they would pull away or vanish. She was shaking so badly that it seemed like they were all that was holding her together. Really, most of her existence that was exactly what they had done for her. She didn't know why she was crying like this, why she hurt so much, but she knew that it was less with them so close. She didn't know why. She just knew it was.

Her head was spinning and it was like she was falling off the clocktower again, and only feeling their nearness kept her from believing it. It was as if everything she knew about herself shattered, as of something at the core of herself had exploded but the shards didn't hurt like she thought they would. Well they did, but it wasn't the pain of being unmade like she had half expected. It didn't feel like vanishing. And what was left after the explosion, what had been hidden within should have been different and strange. It should have been nothing at all or been unrecognizable, a stranger. But while it was different, it was somehow also her. It was as if she had shattered.. to find another her under and within. Whatever made her talk was held silent by the fact that she didn't have any words to even begin to explain this. She wasn't sure what was happening to her.

She had hurt her friends, and she knew that. But they said they would rather her say things that hurt therm a little, because doing it all at once like this had hurt them more. And they were mad at her for trying not to hurt them at all. And she could almost understand why. Almost. It was like chasing that one last heartless before quitting time. She almost had it and it kept slipping away from her, but it was close. So close.

But at the same time there were other things she was chasing and that was chasing her. Could she really have had a heart this whole time? That would mean that she wasn't going to change and they were right, but wouldn't she have known if she had a heart? Wouldn't Axel have known if they had hearts? But he said he had been fooled, but most of the Nobodies had been Somebodies first and knew what it felt like to have a heart. How could they have all been fooled? Wasn't a heart supposed to be this huge important thing? How could they not have realized they were growing? Maybe hearts weren't at all what she thought they were, but then... what were they? How could she find out more?

And Saïx... was he really not that different? Could he be telling the truth. For Axel's sake she wanted him to be telling the truth, wanted things to be better. She was afraid, but then they kept all telling her that she needed to not be and...

And the fear did hurt. It did. But could she really just not be afraid? Could she put the fear aside and just... be? She wasn't sure she knew how to not be afraid all the time, but she wanted to. She wanted to try. She did. But did she know how? Could they even show her? What would it be like to not be afraid all the time? She wasn't sure. She hadn't been afraid at the very beginning, because it hadn't mattered. But then she had friends and it did matter. She didn't want to lose them. Was that part of having a heart? Or part of being her? Or was it both? Was that proof that she started having a heart back then?

She had thought she loved her friends once, she remembered writing that. But since she had gotten so convinced that she'd imagined it. That it had been fake. That you needed a heart to love and she didn't have one so she couldn't. What did love feel like? Was this love? How would she know? How did anyone know?

She sniffed, only vaguely aware of her physical form, and only that through the anchors of Roxas and Axel. She was more aware of them than she was of herself. They were real in a way that she didn't seem to be at the moment. It was as if whatever remained after the explosion wasn't quite there the way they were. It was like that drip of ice cream that fell when she ate too slowly. It was ice cream, like the rest of her ice cream, but it was also separate, falling. If she moved right she could catch it, but how did she do that? How did she catch the falling ice cream when it was also her....?

Seeing Xion fall apart like this really did hurt, but... he got the feeling that this was necessary. He had no idea how long Xion had been holding onto these worries and this pain, but she seemed to be finally letting some of that go. When he, Xion, and Lea had all embraced in the Keyblade Graveyard, there had been tears, and those tears had brought lethargy as much as they had joy, releasing pain that had lasted for so long. He hoped, for Xion's sake, that this crying helped her out the same way.

He looked up at Lea moved to hug her as well, but otherwise didn't move; he held onto her, hugging her and holding her together while she broke apart.

Lea held them both, relieved as Xion's crying seemed to be settling down to sniffling, but unsure what to say next. He was also very aware of Isa still standing by, but didn't know what to say there either. Part of him wanted to invite Isa into the group hug, but he figured that probably wouldn't be a good idea just then.

So he just continued the hug in silence hoping that Xion or someone else would say something while privately trying to figure out what to do if they didn't.

The tearful hug goes on for a while, at least it feels like a while to Isa, who's awkwardly waiting for someone to speak up...

When no one does, Isa softly clearly his throat.

"It's getting late..." he says gently.

Indeed, the sun had already set, and the night sky could be seen out the windows instead.

She heard a voice but it seemed so distant it took her a moment to recognize it as a voice at all. She had no idea how long they had been sitting like that, she wasn't even fully sure she was still sitting. She.. wasn't sure of much, really.

What she was, for one. If she had a heart, was she a Somebody? Was she still a Nobody? She was still a Replica, wasn't she? A failed experiment? Right? She wasn't sure at the moment. She was sure Roxas was there and was her friend. She was sure Axel was there and was her friend, even if he sometimes called himself Lea now. She was sure who they were.

But herself?

"Who am I?" she hadn't intended to ask out loud. Wasn't sure if she actually had. But part of whoever she was needed to tie to her anchors, to Roxas and Axel. Needed to connect to them. They would know for sure, wouldn't they? If she was still her? Who her even was...

Isa's soft clearing of his throat drew Roxas's attention, and he raised his head to look at Isa, giving him a slight nod of acknowledgment. Still being clung to by Xion and wrapped under Lea's arms, he couldn't wiggle free, but he was content to remain in the hug as long as he was needed. He won't pull back until he feels the others disengage.

Xion's words caused him to turn back to her, and despite all the sadness that she let out, a small smile forms on his face.

"You're Xion. And you're our best friend."

Lea looked up at Isa when he cleared his throat, giving a bit of a sheepish smile. Yeah, he knew this had to have been getting pretty awkward for his friend not involved in the hug, but the problem of what else to do in the current situation still remained.

But when Xion spoke for the first time in a while, he turned his attention back to her, as Roxas did. "Yeah," he agreed. "Like Roxas said, you're Xion, and you're our best friend. And you're always going to be." He finally shifted back from the hug though he kept a hand on Xion's shoulder. "Got it memorized?"

His catchphrase was said a bit more gently than usual, but it was also less rhetorical. This was something Xion apparently needed to commit to memory.

"...Listen to your friends, Xion," Isa adds, his voice still gentle, "and trust them."

He hopes, for all their sake, that what's being said is actually getting through to her.

She swallowed hard at all their words, sensing them settle within her. Or... was she feeling it? She wasn't sure. She no longer even thought she knew what the difference was. Some lingering something remained, because she hadn't intended to speak, but she heard her own voice, as if from far away. "I do trust my friends," her voice said softly. "Always." She found herself looking up at Axel. Axel who she knew would lie to protect them, would even hurt them to protect them from worse hurts. There had never been a question for her, she trusted him. She hoped he knew that. She hoped Roxas had learned that lesson too.

As Lea pulled away, Roxas, too, pulled back, offering her a smile. It seemed that their words finally sunk in, and she was seriously considering them. He nodded to her, before his gaze moved from her, to Lea, to Isa, and back again. He didn't know what the road ahead looked like, but at least they had taken their first few steps.

"That's good. And we trust you, too, Xion."

Lea nodded in agreement with Roxas, smiling a bit too. "Even when you don't quite trust yourself, we always trust you," he said. "Whatever happens and wherever we go from here, we'll trust each other."

With a bit of a sigh that was half-relief, half-emotional exhaustion, he looked up at Isa, then glanced at the window, noting exactly how late it had gotten. "And speaking of going places, looks like we won't be going for ice cream tonight," he said. "Though honestly, that's probably a good thing; not sure any of us are quite up for ice cream after all that."

Lea's not the only one sighing in relief.

"I don't know about ice cream, but I could go for a stiff drink"

Which is saying something, since you could could count the number of times he's had alcohol since coming here on a single hand. But he figured both he and Lea could use it, he especially wanted Lea to have the chance to relax after all that.

Trust her...? "Why.. would you trust me?" she asked, confused. Her voice was still small, distant. She was there but she wasn't, she didn't know how else to describe it. Like she needed to sleep, like she'd never sleep again, like she knew who she was for the first time, and like she knew less than ever.

Edited 2019-09-16 03:19 (UTC)

"A stiff drink?"

He looked between Isa and Lea, blinking in surprise. That's the first time he's really heard anything like that come from Isa, and it's a little surprising. It makes a small smirk form on his face, before he turns back to Xion.

"Because. Friends are honest with each other, and best friends trust each other. That's why we trust you."

Lea chuckled, standing up and stretching a little. "I think I'll take you up on that," he said to Isa. "But before I do, c'mere!" He then turned and wrapped his blue-haired friend in a hug, his smile shifting to resemble his usual cheeky one a bit more. "You didn't think you were escaping without being part of the hug-fest, did you?"

Fortunately for Isa, his hug didn't last nearly as long as the previous one, though Lea did keep an arm around his shoulders as he turned back to speak to Xion. "I know I sound like a broken record by now, but what Roxas said," he said. "We trust you cause you're our best friend. The same reason you trust us. Even if we don't always get everything right, and even if it isn't necessarily what the other person wants to hear, we'll always do our best to be honest with each other. Cause that's what friends do."

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I wanna know What you're feeling

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So glad this is now so far backdated, cause she's going to need to spend a week just... THINKING.

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Sorry for the lack of icons, hers was a premium account, and I need to make some hard choices.

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