diatu | Dance Dance Reprobation

Fists curled and teeth clenched, Eleven's gaze dropped to his feet. He'd thought the man would leave, but instead he stood there, as though waiting for something. He hated it, that weight of expectation- it followed him everywhere Hendrik went.

"Is that true?" he challenged. "Do you really want to know? Because I'm starting to think you don't even remember I'm only human half the time. There's so much that feels beyond me- that I don't even know how to do. No one ever taught me anything! I barely knew how to use my power even when I had it! I didn't even know where we were going half the time- or why! All I knew was that I was being hunted down, and that it was just because I was born there that Dundrasil fell, just because I was raised there that Cobblestone was burned to the ground-"

Eleven clawed at his own hair, fingers fraught with the urge to do something destructive and nothing else to channel his energy against except Hendrik himself. His voice pitched louder, words edged with wild distress.

"And it's my fault that Yggdrasil fell!"

Pausing in dancing with her most current chosen victim, Yotsuyu had noticed--what. It certainly looked like Eleven and Hendrik--if not arguing, having quite the heated conversation. Oh, surely they were trying to be out of the way, but with the way the castle was transparent...

It was not good. This was not the place, and definitely not the time. If she could tell, then others could, and certainly if they had dirty laundry, they didn't want it aired in such a public place. At a dance? What were they thinking? An interruption was needed--and by all the kami and the Twelve, hopefully she could talk some sense into--well. One of them. Or find out what was upsetting Eleven.

So she approached, the familiar snap of her fan announcing her presence--because even at a dance, Yotsuyu would not dream of going unarmed in some fashion. And if one did not know her well, it seemed merely a decoration.

"Pray tell, gentlemen, what is going on here?" Though Eleven doesn't get the pointed stare she directs up at Hendrik. Practically a glare, it says that he, at least, ought to have some composure.

Hearing that fan snap, Hendrik paused before wanting to go over and shake some sense into the Luminary. So he felt like he was going to wither beneath her gaze and his stomach felt like it was going to drop onto the ground.

It half occured to him to bow to her, but he damn well knew better. But Yotsuyu's soothing presence cleared his head some and even if that glare was directed at him, well the knight knew that he deserved it.

Stepping back to give her plenty of room, the knight shook his head almost helplessly. "I am afraid, that I do not really know."

And he didn't because everything was pretty much fine before tonight. Something somewhere had happened that went utterly terribly wrong and it was beyond the knight as to how to fix it.

Edited 2019-05-27 05:11 (UTC)

The snap of Yotsuyu's fan startled him out of his anguish- for a moment, categorizing the sound as a potential threat- and hands dropping, weaponless, body tensing to flee.

Recognition bloomed, and with awareness came crushing self-consciousness.

"Yotsuyu," he breathed, voice cracking. He cleared his throat and traded a brief look with Hendrik only to find the man looking at him like he was something foreign and incomprehensible. Perhaps he was.

But for all that the tangle of roiling emotions had tempered, it was far from gone. There were a thousand words he wanted to say- every one of them full of doubt and self-recrimination- warring with propriety. He closed his eyes and gave his head a violent shake.

"Nothing, I.."

It just felt like he was splintering apart from the inside out. All he wanted was to go back and dance, and keep pretending that nothing more than the music and changing hands of his partners mattered. But still his title haunted him, and Hendrik's utter conviction threatened to break him.

Hair falling forward as his head bowed, Eleven's teeth tugged at his lower lip. His fingers curled into his other sleeve, voice quieting to a whisper.

"..Sorry."

Hendrik only earned himself something of a scathing look at that. He did not know? When so often he was right behind Eleven, whether Eleven wanted it or not? How could he not know?!

Well. That could be dealt with later, perhaps. For now, Eleven looked as if he'd run away if given the chance. So Yotsuyu was not about to allow him it.

Perhaps she'd apologize later. Did she believe for a moment that it was the nothing he claimed? Not for a second. She'd heard enough, as it were, as she had approached the two. But there was no need to announce anything--more than either of them had already.

"My dear young man...Eleven." Ugh. She was trying not to sound patronizing, but to her own ears, did not well succeed. Reaching out to grasp his shoulders, she leaned in, as if to whisper a secret to him. The truth wasn't very far off.

"If you had died when your World Tree fell, make no mistake...you would recall it. You may ask me how I know this? I know--because I did perish, before I came here--and I recall every excruciating moment."

But she'd saved the last of her waning strength for her dear brother, the architect of her ruin, and he'd gotten the fate he so richly deserved. Even as she had.

"So if you do not have that certainty, in and of yourself--you did not die. Did someone question you about that?" As to whether or not he was really at fault for Yggdrasil--Yotsuyu would pick and choose her battles, and the first sally had been made, so she would see what that accomplished before she continued.

Hendrik closed his eyes as Yotsuyu spoke to Eleven. He couldn't hear what she was saying but whatever it was, he was grateful for her presence. And the knight made a mental note to make sure to thank her properly somehow.

But he basically waited while the two had been talking and moved off to give them both space in order to do so. Holding onto the railing as he looked out, the images of the Luminary dying hurt him. He'd come to care for his charge, but he couldn't say that they were friends because that wasn't in his oath. His oath had been to protect even at the cost of his own life. There wasn't any room for anything else in there.

The words that were spoken troubled him too. Why was Eleven so worked up about everything now? He'd never said a word back home about his abilities and Hendrik admired the other's determination and resilience. If the Tree falling was anyone's fault, it was his. He'd led Mordegon straight to the Tree while trying to apprehend Jasper.

Being the Luminary couldn't be easy and it was only now that the knight was giving thought as to what some of the issues were. But there was one thing he knew for sure, the boy had not died.

Eleven's eyes met Yotsuyu's, then closed, pained. An unsteady breath escaped him, jaw clenching against the tide of emotion closing up his throat. The woman before him was dead, with no recourse left for her. He couldn't save her, just as he couldn't save any of the lives that were surely lost when the World Tree fell.

His hand again went to the center of his chest, the heel of his palm pressing hard against the heart still beating there. But something else was missing.

"I.." He cleared his throat again, willing steadiness to a voice that could only strain through the dam of checked emotion. "There's someone that thinks everyone here has died, and I- before I came here, I know I was at least gravely injured. For Hendrik, time is different. But I lost it- the power everyone is depending on. And I don't know how to.."

He stopped the moment his voice broke, hands moving to cover his face and stifle shuddering breaths. "I- I just can't do it!"

"Then perhaps he is a madman. How can he know the fate of all? I have heard naught of any godlings here." And it might just be hubris, but Yotsuyu did believe that she would have least heard of that. Assuming the priests had had nothing to say about it, as well. And while she did not entirely trust those at the Academy, why would they lie, when they were working so very hard to correct their mistake?

She had, however, caught wind of a lunatic, and she had a sneaking suspicion that Eleven had met him.

She tugged him closer and patted Eleven's back, soothingly. "Oh, Hendrik." Yotsuyu sighed softly at that. "Do you truly think that man has a lying bone in his body? I do not, and I certainly think I would know that, as well. I have told you I was hardly a good person in the past."

Really, it was only as she lay dying that she had regretted any of her actions. But she had not had choices, then. Choices that she had now. Eleven had choices here, too, though it was clear he could not see them. But pain and fear? Those things were easy to make one blind. Oh, Yotsuyu knew that only too well...she could not reproach him for things that she had felt herself.

"So do not. I cannot specifically say why I am here, but have we not touched on the fact that you might be here to gain a reprieve? No one is going to make you run back to your world and take up the mantle you are not ready to wear!" Yotsuyu gave Eleven's shoulders a gentle shake, aware now that he was panicking, at least a little.

Not that she could blame him, either. The thought of being such a savior might be daunting to anyone, and he was still a boy. Hendrik might batter Eleven about his ears with oaths and duty, but Yotsuyu was not given to such things.

"Yes. I can see how time might flow differently." After all, Alphinaud had come from a different time as well. She caught Eleven's gaze, yellow eyes serious. "Hendrik would not lie to you. He might bully you, because he thought it what you needed. But lie? No. If he says you survived, you must have. Time and care would have healed whatever wounds you had at Yggdrasil's fall. So there is that."

Her lips thinned a little, then. She was not convinced, after all, that Eleven had lost the power he had. After all, while there were any number of charming children about, there was something about him as well. It had drawn her in, when there were any number of others she could dismiss. She couldn't put her finger on it. But it was likely he wouldn't thank her for telling him such. Not now. Let her be the manipulative one--Yotsuyu always had been good at that, hadn't she? But it was for good, now, not selfish reasons. Still, the thought of it made her grit her teeth slightly.

"You need not do it now. You need not do it for months--how are we to know how long we will be here? Hendrik is who he is, he must remind you. It is part of who he is." All duty and sworn oaths and honor. Sometimes, it was a wonder that she could tolerate the man at all. "It is a painful and bitter cup that has been given unto you, I know, but I think the spark is still within you. Quiescent, not lost. But you do need reprieve, and if I can shelter and comfort you, I shall do my best for you. Always."

Hearing that someone thought everyone here was dead concerned the knight deeply. It bothered him to his very core that he would've failed in his duty if his charge had fallen. For the life of him, he wished he knew how to comfort the Luminary but thankfully Yotsuyu was already taking care of that. So when he heard the boy say that he couldn't do it, it felt like his own knightly heart broke into a thousand pieces. Someone here had shaken Eleven to his core and this made him growl softly and clench his hands into fists. Someone was going to pay for this, he just had to find out who was responsible.

Slowly he walked over to Yotsuyu and his charge and listened to when she spoke. He wasn't comfortable with being called a bully, he was merely trying to get the Luminary to be tougher and stronger, better able to take care of himself so that Hendrik could back off like the other wanted him to. To do so would never sit well with him, but if his presence caused more pain than it helped, he just wanted to make sure Eleven could stand on his own and take care of himself. The boy hadn't really shown that capability ranging from bullies to assassins.

Hendrik was cheered a little to hear of Yotsuyu's faith in him and he nodded to the painful and bitter cup comment. Moving over to the Luminary now, Hendrik kneeled though he didn't lower his head and did not attempt to touch his charge.

"If my presence causes you more pain than anything, then I shall take my leave of your side. I am only trying to keep you safe, that is my sworn duty. But whoever has rattled you to your bones to have you question your own existence shall pay a heavy price. That I vow."

Yggdrasil above, he wanted nothing more than the strength to stand on his own and endure everything that troubled him. Instead, half-bent over Yotsuyu while she made every effort to comfort him, he struggled against the tears gathering in his eyes.

How was it that everyone else could have faith in him, but he couldn't manage to find any for himself? Why was it that he felt like a fraud each time he simply nodded and accepted their words? Would there ever be a time he wouldn't feel like he was about to collapse under the weight of everyone's expectations?

Hendrik's voice startled him into straightening, though his heart pounded to find the man knelt in front of him. Guilt swooped low in his stomach and twisted it. Eleven took a step back, eyes bright and flickering between them, conflicted. His jaw worked for several moments before he finally managed to speak.

"I think I- if I could.." He shook his head and let out a careful breath. "I just want.." He swallowed and grit his teeth. "I want to regain the power of the Luminary and learn how I'm supposed to restore Yggdrasil. I want to fix everything I did wrong. But I can't. I don't know how to be a hero, or how to save our world. I don't have any of your confidence, Hendrik. I don't know what to say when really I only feel like an imposter- like maybe I am the shadow cast over Erdrea, after all."

Yotsuyu gazed at Eleven, head tilted slightly. One black brow arched, and she gently lifted his chin with one hand.

"Do you honestly think anyone knows how to be a hero?" she asked him softly. "They do not teach these things in a school somewhere. There is no knowledge passed down, save that in tales about other heroes, mayhap." Hadn't Eleven himself mentioned tales of another hero, from his world? Some guidance that tome had given him.

And yet, should she not know heroes? She who was adversary to the greatest hero on her own world, if only briefly so? (It was not if Yotsuyu had given the Warrior of Light a great challenge, after all.)

"You are no shadow, Eleven!" Her tone there was perhaps a bit more sharp than she had been, but Yotsuyu was at least passing familiar with darkness. "You are young, uncertain, and dealing with so much you were not prepared for. But you are not giving up entirely." Though certainly it seemed like he wanted to. Yotsuyu could not blame him for that. It was not as if she hadn't been prepared to end it all, before her so-called parents angered her into lashing out at them.

"It is not magic or great power that makes a hero," she murmured, not so quiet that Eleven could not hear her. "It is feeling that swell of fear in your chest, wishing with all your might that you could run away and hide...and then turning around and facing it regardless."

Yes. She knew that. Especially since Yotsuyu had not done that, ever. Not even when the monsters had attacked. But she knew that she was no hero.

"Perhaps you are not a hero now, but you have it in you to be. You care for others and expect nothing in return. You do good simply to do good, not because you feel obligated. And here, if nothing else, you have been given time to learn to see what you are not able to see in yourself, yet. What confuses you so, when others see it in you."

Hendrik shook his head. "That was what we had set out to find out for Mount Pang Lai. It was when King Carnelian gave me the shield of Heliodor." He knew by now that it was an odd thing to deal with the timing and it still hurt his head at times to try and figure it all out as to how he could know different things than his charge.

The knight sighed. "I was called a hero rescuing the survivors of the World Tree falling. I thought myself a fraud thinking I couldn't protect them but I did."

But once Yotsuyu began speaking again, he stood and let her have her say. And when she said the bit about tales it made him think of Jasper reading aloud any number of adventures. He nodded to most of what she was telling him, wishing he could somehow get the boy to believe in himself. If he himself couldn't do it, then maybe she could.

He didn't know if they could figure out how to save Erdrea from here, and the knight highly doubted it. One thing was for certain though, he would back off and even let the daily training go too if backing off would help.

Looking at Yotsuyu, his heart slowed, breaths steadying as her words rang true for everything he's never said.

He was all too familiar with that constant fear plaguing him, but forced to trudge on and bear it despite wishing for nothing more than a swift return to his old life. If that was what made a hero, he did not envy Erdwin in the least. It wasn't courage or bravery at all- only done because destiny marked him as other and forced his hand.

But it was his mother, the people of Cobblestone, and the Spirit of the Land that raised and guided him with kindness.

"..I understand, I think." His eyes lowered, searching. "I might have lost more than the power of the Luminary when Mordegon stole it from me."

It made more sense the more he thought about it. Mordegon had shown him his weakness, and every one of his misgivings had taken root since. They plagued his every step like lingering shadows he couldn't break free of.

Eleven's eyes turned on Hendrik, a touch relieved to find him standing properly.

"You seem like the sort of person that was born fearless, Hendrik. I'm not sure I'll ever match up to that."

"No one is asking you to, either," Yotsuyu said. Perhaps she was being tart, there, but she was also feeling somewhat self-conscious. Giving pep talks to young heroes--before Castrum Fluminis, had someone told her that, she likely would have laughed herself silly. And yet, here she was.

Though if Eleven needed this from her, Yotsuyu would do it again. His words, however, made her think, a slight frown curving her lips.

"Why do you think he stole your power?" She was honestly confused, because there were precedents for that sort of thing on Hydaelyn--and a great number of them did not leave the one whose power was stolen still among the living. Even the power she had taken as Tsukuyomi had dispersed when she had died, and Yotsuyu was fairly certain--even if he was not--that Eleven was still quite alive.

"Forgive me for questioning you, but there are reasons I doubt--not you, Eleven, but I doubt the true absence of your power. As I said...quiescent, not absent." And she was not, as a rule, given to wishful thinking.

But his comment to Hendrik had her barking out a short laugh. "Fearless? I am not certain. He has a very, very good game face, however! As for me...if I am showing anger, well, I am not showing fear then, eh?"

Yotsuyu nudged Eleven then, gently, but gave him a quick wink. "I am no hero, nor, gods willing, will I ever be, but I do know a thing or two about them, at least."

She hesitated for a moment, uncertain how such a thing might be received, but then tossed caution to the winds and reached out to give Eleven a hug.

Hendrik shook his head at Eleven. If there was any way that the Luminary could've seen him with Yotsuyu the night he'd danced with her, well he would know the difference. And that he couldn't do. "You will find your faith in time."

Here he was just echoing Yotsuyu but she was definitely good at giving advice. And when she mentioned him, he had to turn away because he couldn't let the Luminary see him smile. She had him figured out alright but he made a mental note about the anger. Perhaps he could learn a thing or two just from listening here as well.

He turned back around to see Yotsuyu hugging Eleven and he couldn't help but smile, not caring who saw him at this point. Maybe that's what the Luminary truly needed was more encouragement and hugs than harder training.

It was worth a try.

Edited 2019-05-29 05:21 (UTC)

His breath caught, then slowly released as his worries seemed to immediately ease in Yotsuyu's arms. His shoulders fell, arms moving automatically to return the embrace. It felt a bit like hugging his own mother and he was pathetically grateful for it.

Eleven caught Hendrik's smile and returned it with a fragile one of his own, but a leaden weight in his stomach kept it from being entirely genuine. He closed his eyes and held on a little tighter.

"I.. it- it was.. Mordegon.. tore it out. He used it to deceive Yggdrasil's heart."

Yotsuyu patted Eleven's back, soothing still, though she made a thoughtful noise, lips thinning. She knew little of this Mordegon. Mostly a name, and that he was, of course, deceitful and in opposition to Eleven. She knew, of course, how she might have approached such a thing, but...

"Do you think stealing it for only that long, to deceive Yggdrasil, was enough? You do say it is a power of light, and if he is of the darkness, well, it should pain him to hold something so bright. Oh, if it managed his ends, certainly he would for a time, but for good? I cannot think he could keep it safely..."

But Yotsuyu was speculating, and she knew it, which made her frown. "I can only speak from my own knowledge and experience, but that is what I know, with the rules of magic I have learned from my own world, and this one."

As for Eleven's lack of confidence, she could only do what she had been doing, and be as supportive of him as she could be.

At Yotsuyu's thoughts, Hendrik shook his head. "We could not be fully sure of all of the details." And looking at the boy lost in the woman's embrace, the knight thought of the boy's own mother who worried and had requested that he look after her boy. And he had, he had kept his word and the two had returned, only to end up leaving to go to the mountain to find out what to do next.

"Mordegon was the one controlling my friend Jasper and had been wearing the king as if a second skin, shed shortly before he felled the Tree. We lost track of the Luminary until he later showed up thankfully in one piece. I had spent that time collecting survivors to bring back to the Last Bastion before he did so."

He was simply trying to connect the timelines, but try as he might, he still had no idea what exactly had happened to the Luminary after the Tree fell. It was a mystery and the knight hadn't really thought to ask because the other turned up looking hale and whole.

Edited 2019-06-02 05:25 (UTC)

Eleven frowned. "..He shattered it, once he'd taken the Sword of Light. Like my power was nothing to him, even before he consumed Yggdrasil's heart."

He breathed a sigh and met Hendrik's eyes. "I only remember falling, then awaking in Noa. I don't know how it was that I survived."

That had her furrowing her brow. Yotsuyu did not release Eleven--not unless he felt self-conscious and wanted to go, that, then, would be fine--but clearly things were still percolating through that clever and devious mind of hers.

"I know you are not certain of any of this, Eleven, but...things that are magical in nature thusly...have a chance of repairing themselves, given time. Though I only became a mage of any sort once I came here, mind. So I could be wrong."

He was one of the few people here she refused to lie to. There were those who were on a very short list, but there it was.

It might be hubris--she had that in spades, Yotsuyu knew, but there was something telling her that Eleven's power was not as absent as he thought it might be.

Hendrik's jaw clenched when he mentioned Yggdrasil and lowered his head. "I led Mordegon to the Tree so if this is anyone's fault, it is mine." He had no way of knowing the monster had been 'wearing' the king as skin so to speak and had no idea that Jasper was as bad as he was. But all had pretty much been revealed there at the Tree. Even Hendrik had taken a hit from Mordegon disguised as the king from behind.

His eyes looked over the Luminary as his hands clenched into fists. "I was foolish and I could not save you so I was indeed relieved to see you reappear at the Last Bastion." Even if he couldn't say these same words back home, at least they were spoken now.

Her words offered some solace, though it was difficult to feel certain of anything. Hendrik even, felt responsible for Yggdrasil's fall.

Eleven shivered and stepped back from Yotsuyu's hold. "..I hope that's true. I think it's the pressure of it that's troubling me- that I don't know what to do, or how to save anyone."

His eyes flickered to Hendrik, then away. He breathed a sigh, fists curling. "I know I need to save Erdrea, I know everyone is counting on me- I'm not ever going to forget- but I can't, right now. I'm not even the Luminary here, I'm just.. Eleven."

She patted Eleven's shoulder, eyes flickering to Hendrik, briefly. Eleven didn't know how to save anyone? He wasn't the only one, she was certain. She was at least vaguely aware of what the knight wished. Whether she truly deserved it, or not.

"You are not the only one who does not know how to save people. I know the notable hero where I am from? The Warrior of Light? He could only do the best he could. Sometimes, that was enough." And there were times where it wasn't, and Yotsuyu was certain that he mourned when that was the case, as well. He'd certainly mourned Tsuyu right alongside the original Gosetsu.

"We discussed this once, you and I, did we not? You are Eleven. Not just Eleven. He is a very thoughtful young man--and capable, when he puts his mind to it! I know you do not think you are enough--but simply do what you can here. I pray that by the time you return to Erdrea, you will be the hero they need."

Yotsuyu knew there was enough pressure on Eleven without telling him that she believed he was perfectly capable of being a hero.

The knight didn't know what poor words of comfort he could offer in the face of such a fate. He knew there was pressure, he just hadn't realized how heavy it could weigh down on those thin shoulders.

"Then I shall still protect you and ease up on your training." It really was all he could think to do. He felt so helpless and dumb.

But Yotsuyu seemed to know how to talk to him and what to say, and Hendrik was so very grateful for her presence.

He nodded, slow and uncertain, gaze dropping. Eleven, the carefree boy from Cobblestone felt so distant from the person his journey and his failure had shaped him into that he wondered if it was at all possible to regain that part of himself.

His eyes snapped up, heart racing. "No, I.. I know I need to train." He bit his lip, hesitating. "But perhaps if you could use my name, instead of my title.."

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