[he didn't need that. He didn't need someone to fight for him or to try and keep him in this world. He'd rather no one fight for him. He didn't deserve to be fought for. All the motivation he had was-- well the two of them right now, and the need to serve his penance when he got back-- to wherever-- if that was real at all. Who knew? He'd already screwed up his perhaps!marriage and he couldn't imagine his perhaps!daughter was any happier with him, though he missed her when he thought about her.
He missed everyone when he thought about them. He missed Ellie-- though now it was complicated and if he ever met the real her... or perhaps the maybe her, she wouldn't recognize him either. It wouldn't be the same. Just like he and-- Crowley wouldn't be the same. And maybe it was better that it wasn't the same because he seemed to be shit at family anyway.
He didn't know how to tell Fell his dream, his goal, the stupid end that kept him going on that he'd never be able to reach. He didn't know how to explain how he just wanted to see them --happy without having to bother with what he needed all the time, because he knew he'd never be someone who they wouldn't have to worry about. They seemed to want a happiness for him he didn't understand how to reach for. The only consolation was that Crowley would probably not care. Why would he? Why should he? That was the point.
He didn't know how to explain any of it and, in the end, there was no use telling Fell problems that he couldn't fix or burdening him further with this. He wasn't someone who had been there for six thousand years. He'd be lucky if he got twenty more. No one should have to worry about a candle when it went out, though he would try to hang on as long as he could.]
Thank you for trying so hard. Thank you for always trying. Christ I don't know how you keep at it but somehow you do. And I know you care and that it hurts. I'm sorry I'm not just someone who can accept it and be happy.
But... [he sighed and leaned back]
He doesn't know me anyway and you're more than enough for anyone. [a faint smile. He was teasing even though he meant it]
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He missed everyone when he thought about them. He missed Ellie-- though now it was complicated and if he ever met the real her... or perhaps the maybe her, she wouldn't recognize him either. It wouldn't be the same. Just like he and-- Crowley wouldn't be the same. And maybe it was better that it wasn't the same because he seemed to be shit at family anyway.
He didn't know how to tell Fell his dream, his goal, the stupid end that kept him going on that he'd never be able to reach. He didn't know how to explain how he just wanted to see them --happy without having to bother with what he needed all the time, because he knew he'd never be someone who they wouldn't have to worry about. They seemed to want a happiness for him he didn't understand how to reach for. The only consolation was that Crowley would probably not care. Why would he? Why should he? That was the point.
He didn't know how to explain any of it and, in the end, there was no use telling Fell problems that he couldn't fix or burdening him further with this. He wasn't someone who had been there for six thousand years. He'd be lucky if he got twenty more. No one should have to worry about a candle when it went out, though he would try to hang on as long as he could.]
Thank you for trying so hard. Thank you for always trying. Christ I don't know how you keep at it but somehow you do. And I know you care and that it hurts. I'm sorry I'm not just someone who can accept it and be happy.
But... [he sighed and leaned back]
He doesn't know me anyway and you're more than enough for anyone. [a faint smile. He was teasing even though he meant it]
You're a better man than most, even for an angel.